(from the files) 901. the bullet discussion

keaton said, chris is the kind of friend who'd take a bullet for me.
i said, hmmm. really?
keaton said, what? you don't believe she would?
i said, i think she was being, you know, a little dramatic. i mean, a bullet. that's a bit much. maybe she wanted to borrow something and just said that to ... you know ... soften you up.
keaton said, no, she was serious. i'd take one for you.
i said, oh! no need to do that!
keaton said, it's not a case of need. i'd just do it. why? you wouldn't do the same for me?
i said, a bullet?
keaton said, you wouldn't take a bullet for me?
i said, well that's crazy talk really. if i took a bullet meant for you, they probably wouldn't stop there and shoot you anyway. no need for both of us to be dead. don't get me wrong. if it were my bullet, i'd take it. see how that works? i'll take my bullet and you take your bullet.
keaton said, i don't believe you!
i said, if it's any consolation, i'd take a paint ball for you. how's that? with goggles of course.
keaton said, oh really? don't do me any favors!
then she stormed out of the room.
as she did, i shouted, okay, no goggles!

then i thought, whew! saved that one right at the end there!

the express check out line episode

something very unsavory is going on in the express checkout lines.
i count every item and if i'm over, i take myself out, the way it should be.
but not every one self manages, and that's a very big problem.

why just this morning this rather testy older woman, probably four years my junior, had at least 21 items that i could count in the "12 or less" express check-out line.
so i shot her one of my looks that one can't help but know means, "you're way over the allowed item count miss i-don't-care-what-you-think-of me-and-i-cut-in-line-too."
so she flipped me a quick "ten cans of the same soup count as one. so don't be giving me the stink eye mister who-died and-made-you-the-official-express-checkout-monitor" look back.
so i gave her the old "you've got to be kidding me" stare, to which she just smugly smiled.

i mean ... really!
since when do ten cans of the same thing count as one?
i'll tell you ... some people man.

so i waited for her to get out of earshot and eyesight, and then asked the checkout clerk, since when do ten cans of the same thing count as one.
she said, i don't know.
i said, you don't know? isn't there a policy? i mean a count is a count.
she said, i suppose but the number is just a general rule, give or take a few things.
i said, but she had 21 items. that's not a give or a take. that's against the law.
she said, sir, no it's not.
i said, well it should be for cryin' out loud.
then i heard this sigh from the person behind me in line.
so i discreetly checked out his purchases and he had at least two dozen pizzas stacked up.
and i thought, this is exactly the sort of chaos that brought rome down. doesn't anyone see what is going on?

then i told the clerk to have a good day, even though society, as we know it, is certain to collapse by nightfall.

it's time to go back inside

when i start to hear rocks erode, i've contemplated nature long enough for one day—it's time to go back inside.

(from Bob's Big Book of Stories) Sex Ed in the Sixties: Part 1 - Mud Finnegan

Mud Finnegan began it all, holding court with a rapt group of adolescent boys sitting around a long wooden table on a warm, thick day at our local summer hangout, Carteret Park.

He asked, “What did Roy Rogers say to Dale Evans in the bedroom when the lights suddenly went out?”

(from the blook) gettin’ nostalgic

when i get all nostalgic, i remember things the way i would have liked them to have been, rather than the way they actually happened.
it’s the only way i know how to squeeze the “good” into the “good old days”.

oh, now this is disturbing!

okay, so i had a sex dream last night.
no.
that's not the disturbing part.
i'm not positive because it was kinda of grainy and my eyesight ain't what it used to be, but i'm pretty sure it was with carol channing.
that's the disturbing part.
it was almost like being punished at the same time i was perpetrating my fantasy infidelity.

(but nothin' for nothin', she's a wild cat, she is, although i could've done without that voice!)

dinner experiments

occasionally, i like to surprise keaton at dinner.
so i grab the bull by the horns and pull a cookbook out and make a meal that is ... well ... different.
last night was such a night.
it was called tamale surprise—a vegan number loaded up with oh so wholesome goodness.
when keaton asked me why i settled on that recipe from a book of a thousand, my response was, “it was the only dish concocted to surprise, which is the point after all”.
i'd soon learn the surprise would be just how much it was inedible.

i guess the only good thing to come of this particular manstake was that it will be quite awhile before i'll be inclined to grab the bull by the horns again.
and that suits keaton just fine.

(from the blook) dancing

keaton loves to dance—sometimes anywhere.
so i asked her once what does it feel like.
and she said, it feels like i swallowed the world and it’s shooting out my feet.
then she asked me, what about you?
i answered, pretty much the same except my feet get constipated.

what a friggin nightmare

i've got this heart problem.
it been racing like a ginger baker drum solo in the middle of the night.
i think it's the stress related to the fact that i've been worried ever since i ran out of my "beta blocking" heart pills a month ago.
and i'm tellin' ya right now lightly, vegatables don't do squat.
so i had to see doctor crazy eyz ridlin in order to get the prescription renewed.
i went today, which was tomorrow yesterday for those who care, and i know there are a few.

here's the friggin nightmare part.
i lost height and gained weight.
an inch and a half off the top.
how does that happen?
at this rate i'll be dancing with the ants by november, those that aren't frozen anyway.
and do you think there was any concern by doc ridlin and his crackerjack crew of measurers?
i suggest not!
but geez, a three pound gain and you'd think it's a wonder i'm alive given all the rolling eyeballs and all.
what a friggin nightmare.
and it started out so nice today. 
it really did.
it's enough to make me want to jump out the basement window, that's what it's enough to make me!
well at least i got the beta blockers i so desired.
now at least i'll be able to sleep through the shrinking.

(from the files) 868. end of days

i was thinking that it really wouldn't be so bad if the end of days came because the beginning of nights would start, and quite honestly i could use the extra sleep.

it's a bad day

i'm having one of those days.
sorta like the time i mistook the prep-h for toothpaste, but not as fun.

first, i had to send an email to confront a good friend about a money matter that has gotten out of hand, the outcome of which i'm unsure.
i hate confrontation.
i really do.
i hate it like i hate asteroids plummeting to the earth to destroy it.
i know that's strong but it's true.

then, i received a threatening email from some scam guy i pissed off in my fibomercials and scams blog, demanding that i remove a post, which i did.
but boy i went down swinging, which may fetch me another threat, which will start the whole thing all over again.
why do i do that to myself.
i'm such an idiot.
i think it's because i have a partially damaged brain from the time when i was three weeks old and fell off the table in one of those old fashion baby weighing machines.
when my mom took me to the emergency room with a hematoma the size of oprah, she told them it was a failed suicide attempt, that i had post partum depression before it became the next big thing.
i don't think they bought it though, but that's a whole other story my mom categorically denies.
anyway, i think it explains pretty much anything that needs explainin'.

the truth is, all i want is to find a job.
preferably one in which money is exchanged for work, and if healthcare is a part of it, all the better.
and if i can make enough to pay for legal fees, then holy cow that would be swell.

well, i'm gonna take a walk and shake this terrible state i'm in.
my blood pressure is probably higher than the IQ of me and my brothers all added up, which could put it around 157 or something that high.

i know.
i'll try to think of something real smart to share with you because right now i'm about as dumb as tar in winter.
and that's not good for pond business.
but i'll warn you right now, it's gonna take a lot of trying and i can't promise i'll come through for ya.

we'll see.
i'm just out of sorts today.
i'll snap out of it, especially if crystal and lee are in the amercian idol finals after tonight!
that would be terrific!
that certainly would.
because i picked them like back in 2003 or something that crazy for chrissakes.

(uh oh, i think i'm coming down with j.d. salinger disease to boot)

(from the files) 520. always the last to find out

last night my brother said, hey did ya hear about that whole big deal about paris hilton and her secret sex tape?
i said, get out.
he said, no, it's true. her boyfriend videotaped them doin' ... you know—
i said, no, i don't know. tell me for chrissakes!
then he said, do i have to spell it out for ya? geez, just use your imagination.
so i did and came up with some unsavory stuff all right!
then i said, wow! no kiddin'! who else do ya think knows?
and he said, oh pretty much everyone.
so i asked, how come i'm always the last to find out about this stuff?
then he said, because everyone knows you're a big blabber mouth.
then i said, ya know i can keep a secret. in fact, dad told me something last week about another famous celebrity that would blow your socks off.
he asked, oh yeah, who?
then i said, two words: r-o-c-k h-u-d-s-o-n. but that's all you're gonna hear from these lips.

(from the files) 567. numerology proof

5 is the third digit of my birth year (1952) and second digit of my previous life birth year (1516).
so take 3 (for third digit) and multiply by 2 (for second digit), and you get 6.
so now i have 56, which if you divide by my favorite number, 8, you get 7.
in other words, 567, which just so happens to be the number of this post.

try to explain that away numerology naysayers!
just try!

(from the blook) home alone - episode two

i was home alone last night and had big tv plans—ranger hockey, ultimate fighting, cops, hbo late night, interlaced with commercial break drive-bys of the discovery channel in hd.
you know, all the things you have to miss because normally there are other humans with highly overrated self respect runnin’ about with all the controls.
anyway, delightfully filled with beer, dogs, beans and tater tots, i got curled up with a basket full of remote controls, and turned on the tv to see the last minute of a seinfeld repeat that i've seen a billion (minus three) times over.
before i knew it, i awoke at 1:19 am, still in an upright sitting position, remote in paw, just in time to hear convicted felon, kevin trudeau, tell some guy, who looked like a used shoe salesman, that he can cure acid reflux and lupus with everyday vinegar.
the last thing i remember before that was george costanza holding up a golf ball, a titlest i believe.
boy, it was a crazy night.
it’s good i only do this but thrice a year.

(from the files) 824. the best part of the future

the best part about the future is that when i finally get there, i'll be all nostalgic about the good old days, recalling really fantastic stuff about today that never actually happened.
and i can't wait to see what i come up with because i'm really, really creative when it comes to that.
if you don't believe me, just ask my mom about what i've done to my childhood memories.
she's half convinced i'm someone else's kid.

where was i?

where was i the last two days?
oh, that's right!
milling about the halls of congress.
advocatin' for c.a.r.e. and senate and house bills that support its obsession with ending world poverty through ending child marriage, supporting food security and providing maternal health.

and let me tell ya, this government of ours?
it's a mess.
it's run by a lot of of very stupid people, who'd rather play political hot potatoe than just do the right thing and get these bills to their respective floors for a vote and passage.

and why is all this so important?
well for starters, in the time it took you to read this little post, 12 childred died from causes of an unreliable food source, a dozen girls between the ages of 10-14 were forced to marry, and one mother died as a result of avoidable, insufficient prenatal, birth and post natal care.

and with starters like that who needs enders.

yeah, so that's where i was.
and although the old bait and switch was well employed by keaton to get me down there, i'm more than willing to do it all over again if asked.
if you haven't tried it, i suggest you give it a shot some time.
it's an eye opener for sure.

e-lab-orating

having quite a history of manstakes, now whenever i get a another bright idea i run it past our lab, annabel.
if she tilts her head as i e-lab-orate, so to speak, then i know it needs more thinking through.

i'm happy to report that since adopting this process, i haven't made a single manstake.
and as a matter of full disclosure, i haven't had any bright ideas either.

the what makes women/men tick discussion

i asked, so what makes women tick?
keaton said, that’s easy, the joy of life itself.
i said, wow, you mean it’s not becoming man's equal?
she said, walking upright is about as equal as we want to be. the rest you can keep.

so then keaton asked, what makes men tick?
i said, not that i’m a spokesman or nothin’ but i think the joy of life itself.
she barked, are you kiddin’ me?
i said, and the sight of a flat tire or the smell of a full bag of garbage.
she said, that’s what i'm talkin' about!

(from the blook) reincarnation

i'm pretty sure in my prior life i was a shoemaker who made those court jester slippers with the bells on the end of the curly toe, which is why i don't talk much about the subject of reincarnation.

(from the files) 860. the ma-light zone

ma called me just an hour ago.

me: hello?
ma: look i know it's getting close to mothers day so i just want to let you know what i want.
me: hi ma. let me guess. another signed copy of my blook?
ma: no. i already have more than i know what to do with. and when are you going to put a price on them. i'm telling you, they need a price. if people don't see a price, they think there is some funny business going on and funny business doesn't sell well these days.
me: i'll give it some thought but you called about mothers day.
ma: yeah. i want rocks!
me: rocks?
ma: yeah. rocks!
me: alright. rocks. any particular make of model?
ma: don't be a wise guy mr. big author!
me: i'm just asking. any particular kind of rocks?
ma: i need some the size of pumpernickle, and others sort of flat and brick like. they are for my garden.
me: the size of pumpernickle?
ma: yeah. you know a loaf of bread.
me: have you fallen recently. you know, bumped the head?
ma: not that i can remember.
me: hmm ... is dad around? you haven't killed him have you?
ma: no, he's downstairs cleaning his golf shoes. everything is fine. i just want rocks.
me: you want a card with those rocks?
ma: i'll leave that up to you, but it would be nice, but none of those with the sound. they're okay for birthdays but not mothers day.
me: alright rocks and a silent card it is. i may need you to tell keaton because she is going to think this is my idea because of the unemployment thing and having to cut corners.
ma: well, it would be better if you found a job but i'll talk to her if necessary.
me: okay. thanks. anything else?
ma: no. that should do it honey.
me: okay then, take care ma.
ma: bye bye.
click.
me: bye ma.
click

and once again, i found myself somewhere in between the real and unreal.
i was suddenly in the ma-light zone.

(from the files) 837. food for thought

being the elite thinker i am, i'm often asked to give lesser minds food for thought, to which i always suggest sizzlean because i have yet to figure out what it is exactly, although recently i'm zeroing in on a theory that it might have something to do with the stuff that spam manufacturers reject.

ya learn somethin' every day!

i was carrying on yesterday real normal, eating slices of this new boar's head manchego cheese i just bought a half pound of, while cruising the three digit cable channels for a new, obscure fibomercial to write about in my other blog (yeah, shameless self-promotion).
anyway, our dog, a shameless eating machine, side saddled up next to me in hopes i might give her a little corner.
no way!
this was too good to share ... yet.
after a minute had passed, about thirty seconds longer than she could stand, she made her move towards a wayward slice that had found itself hanging precariously over the edge of the plate.
i grabbed the plate before the snap of her labrador jaws made contact, and barked, "keep your cotton pickin' claws off it!"
then she shot me a look like i'd just cussed or something, and sauntered out the room all weird and all.
i thought, geez what'd i say? i was gonna give her a piece eventually, as i always do.

(from the files) 874. tree climbing

i'm sure there are plenty of reasons why i really should stop climbing trees, and you'd think being 58 years old would be at the top of the list.
instead, i think it simply indicates what a cagey veteran i am at this endeavor.

one man's porn is another woman's erotica

i love word derivation.
erotica comes from the greek "eros", the god of love.
porn comes from the greek "porne", the largest chariot parts distributor in athens.
the former is about hearts and the latter about parts.
this is the difference between women and men, hearts versus parts.
i will expore this more fully.

this must be my lucky day

i just got an email from john grisham.
oh yeah, the real john grisham because it came from lawyerchambers.com and that my friends is all the proof i need.

anyway, he apparently is back to lawyering, instead of book writing, and is trying his level best to carry out the wishes of someone in royalty who named me as benificiary to the tune of $15.2 million smackers.
and if you don't think so, just read his email below for your own no good doubting thomas bad self.

"dear friend, i wish to seek your conscent to present you as the beneficiary to the total sum of $15,200,000.00 USD in the intent of the deceased. i contacted you so that i can present you as the beneficiary to the inheritance before the crown claims it. all the papers will be processed in your acceptance. in your acceptance of this deal, i request that you kindly forward to us your letter of acceptance; your names in full, current telephone and a forwarding address to enable me file necessary documents at our high court probate division for the release of this sum of money.

yours faithfully, mr. john grisham"

that's what i'm talking about.
finally, my sowing seeds is about to harvest big rewards, just like that todd coontz preacher fella said it would.
hallelujah my brothers and sisters!

but one can't be too trusting these days because there are unsavory impostors out there just dying to take my money.

so .... my carefully worded response:

"dearest mr. grisham, while a trust herewhenst your sincerity, i dust worry of the apparition of truth. you ask for my names. as such i will give you one; sir ribald cranelegs. as you can see, i am royalty myself. well maybe not royalty as much as realty. my work at century 21 being legendary as it must be and hitherthree. you ask for my phone. i have none of which to speak into of. i prefer letters to communicate and in rare instances, smoke. and finally, you ask of my forwarding address. as i have none, i find this difficult and chilling to respond to but i will try. i have none.

finally, in this matter of the moolah, i have an acquaintance to whom you might forthwith it. but first i ned (not as in ned devine but as in need misspelled to throw off secret police who might be reading this) your prompt and thorough acknowledgement that you are who you say you are. it should be easy for you to tell me then the answer to my following security inquiry: is tom cruise gay?

personally, i don't think so but looking forward to your correct answer just the sameness.

again thank you for bringing to me what is rightfully someone elses.

your friend in seed sowing,

sir ribald cranelegs"

[everything is in place now for some major harvesting.
we shall see what we shall see, if i'm not struck down by a thunder bolt in the meantime]

(from the blook) when trains pass

sometimes when my train passes another train, i stare inside the other to see what the passengers are up to.
then i realize that they might be doing the same thing to me.
so i pretend like i'm having way too much fun.

(from the files) 479. thinking things through

keaton and alix (my pseudo step daughter) have been schooling this past week along the beaches of california.
well, keaton is schooling, alix is along for the sun.
so i got a report-in call from keaton the second night.

keaton said, hello! you won't guess what happened! i met two guys in class who own a nuclear power plant in texas somewhere. alix and i went out to dinner with them and they got really plastered, but we were able to make them think twice about the problems with their little nuclear reactor. so in gratitude, they paid for the meal, and alix might even get an internship out of the deal. so how about them apples?
i said, this is a complexly layered story you tell. i need to think about it.
she said, oh, that's why i love you so much. you really like to think things through. i'll call you back later, after we get back from dancing with our new friends.
i said, okay you do that, and i'll think this through.
she said, bye.

so i started thinking it through but stopped when i got to the part when we would have to divide up the dave matthews cd collection, which makes no sense because keaton doesn't even like dave matthews that much.

(from the files) 175. bob handles the tongue piercing

alix said, i've been away at college now for three weeks, and to demonstrate ‘i am my own person’, i got my tongue pierced.

remembering i'm not her dad, just her "pseudo step dad", i wanted to be supportive and not judgemental.

so i said, well that's not so dumb. now real dumb is driving your car into a tree to see if the air bags work.
alix said, you need to do a little more work on the support there pseudo!

shootin' some hoops

finally, i got around to pumping air into my old spalding basketball so i could shoot some hoops, something that next to sleep and thinking about darby vanbuskirk occupied much of my non-informative years of development.
i couldn't play the game enough, even though i was only 5'1", weighed slightly more than the ball, and had a verical leap measured in inches (single digits and divisible by 5 at that).
pistol pete maravich was my guy.
even wore the floppy socks (the truth is, with my skinny calves, all my socks were floppy).

ah yes, a little b-ball.
i immediately dribbled right to the corner and launched a ten foot jump shot (jump being the inoperative word) ala dollar bill bradley.
air ball, short by a solid two feet.
i ran to retrieve the errant ball and spun left to knock it down off the glass.
i hit the underside of the backboard instead.
the ball dropped straight down bouncing off the base of the backboard, sailing clean over my head, down the driveway, and out to the street, which sits atop a one mile hill.
it then disappeared in fast order, heading to the next zip code with ill-humor.

all in all though, a quality shoot around.
a little rust but nothing a little more practice wouldn't fix licketty split.
yup, i'll put my mind to finding that ball in a year or so and i'll all over this again.

(from the files) 989. kitchen issues

keaton asked, where are the olives that were here?
i said, already put away hon.
keaton said, but i wasn't done with them yet.
i said, oh, well i thought you were. sorry.
keaton asked, what's that in your hand?
i said, um, that garlic seasoning i love. i was going to—
she said, no! no seasoning! you want to season? go outside and make it summer.
i asked, not even a little?
keaton said, no! no little! in fact, give me that before i do something you'll really regret.

i looked around for something to do.
within a minute i had found something that i was sure would be worthy of keaton's wild appreciation.
i was quick like a bunny about it and within a blink of an eye, i was on the prowl again.

then keaton asked, where's the bowl i had on the counter? it was just here a minute ago.
i said, washed and put away my love.
she said, but i didn't even use it yet.
i said, well doesn't that beat all get out.
then she slapped her hands on the counter and said, you know, you are like the dog that can't be taught to sit.
i said, yeah, i guess i am sort of a free spirit, if that's what you mean.
she said, no. no it's not at all.

palin energizes her energy policy ...

"kill baby! kill!"