917. time for a spin in the spam

got nothin' to complain about.
keaton hasn't been carrying around frozen porkchops, so i'm improving in the manstake department.
benny and andy are behaving.
haven't heard from the folks since the hd flatscreen was put in place.

so when bob has nothin', bob takes a spin in the spam emails.
it's my way of keeping in touch with the internet underbelly.

so let's see what we have here.

interesting.
another email from the future.
stardate: friday, january 18th; the year, 2036; the time, 19:26 hours.
based on all my calculations, i should be dead a good solid three years by then.
hmm ... it's from someone called "girlfriend".
apparently "girlfriend" thinks keaton will be long gone and i'll be lonely.
that's what she is counting on anyway.
"well what she doesn't know, can't hurt her", i always say, which, by the way, is exactly how i get myself into manstake hot water all the time.

oh wait.
there's a link.
maybe some sort of internet time warp continuum parallel hosting sort of affair.
god only knows what dating tricks they have in 2036.
oh baby.
here goes.

presto!

hmm ... still alive.

now she wants a name and email in order to send me some kind of free "how to get a girlfriend guide" from "the daily hot".
sounds legit to me.
she even made mention that she takes pride in discreet services.
sort of a "i won't ask and i definitely won't tell" philosophy.
sounds pretty good—as noble as the armed services really.

let's see.
a little fake name.
and a little fake email.
there!

hit enter!

nuts!
she wants me to verify the email address by responding to her image, which she just sent me.
oh well, i sure hope bob at rcrane@yahoo.com is really fake or someone is in for a big surprise.

oh well, that's enough underbelly for one day.

916. round them up! round them all up!

every once in a while we need to filter the gene pool.
oh, i know it sounds all totalitarian, but sometimes it's really not such a bad endeavor.
if done judiciously.

it's time.
i'm talking about those single cell mutants, mostly young males, who ride those sport motorcycles.
you know who they are.
the guys who weave in and out of traffic at a hundred miles an hour as if they are trying to out race a shotgun bullet.
(probably are)
the guys who think the double yellow line is their lane.
the guys who come to a complete 75 mile an hour stop.
those evolutionary wrong path takers.

i can say this with certainty.
if one rides one of those contraptions, one is a bad seed.
to quote my old friend roz novosolikovikov, "simple like that".
i've never seen one behave even remotely like a two cell human (i.e., talk radio host).

so what do we do?
we set up a store front and sell those damn yamaha things for $1 a pop.
who ever comes through the door, we exterminate.
quick and painlessly.
quick anyway.
well maybe quick like a turtle.

i suggest we start in new jersey, because we have way too many of these human dna don't haves, plus it's my idea.
nothing crazy mind you.
just thin the herd a little.
that's all i'm saying.
get this scourge under control.

take our streets back!

915. boss don discusses good project manager skills

boss don said, crane if you wanna become a top notch project manager some day, you'll need to seize responsibility for project failures and pass down responsibility for project successes. sometimes a bitter pill to swallow.
i said, but boss, you're a project manager and you do the complete opposite.
boss don said, i said that's what you do if you wanna be top notch, not promotable, dumbass.
i said, oh.

(from the files) 83. traditional values

when i hear people prattle on about traditional values, i wonder which good old day mores they want to perpetuate?
those when folks knew their traditional places and words like uppity, bitch and outside-agitator were reserved for those who didn't?

914. on becoming an actor

i think i'd like to be an actor.
but i have a lot working against me.
first and foremostest, i am way too inhibited, mostly due to a very dominant subconscious that is forever wondering out loud what everyone else is thinking of me (and nothin for nothin, my subconscious is of the completely half empty variety).
second and foremoster, i can't memorize a line to save my life, mostly because i'm so busy wrestling with "mr. completely half empty" that i can't focus on anything else.
besides, reciting lines seems so fake, like i'm just acting or something, which i guess is what i'm trying to do—a situation i have tagged the thespian's parodox (not that there is anything wrong with that).
third and foremost, i'm a notorious face maker but not of the lead acting ilk, more like a good crowd person.
yup, if you need someone in a mob making a major face, i'm your guy—as long as i'm not asked to shout something out like ... um ... "tally ho!" or "burn him at the stake!"
unfortuantely, i don't think there is much demand for the silent crowd type.

oh well, other than what i'd have to do, yeah, i'd like to be an actor.

913. keaton is silent

keaton is away this week.
she's in halifax, up in canada—same place pond fave lightly lives.
but that's not my point.
she's an hour ahead of me timewise, which means she is getting news way ahead of me (if they get news up there).
that makes me weak in our relationship.
but that's not my point either.
she's in a conference about "authentic leadership".
a very noble endeavor to me.
but when i didn't get my daily call from her, i got a little nervous.
so i sent her an email, knowing full well she is a blackberry junkie, making her accessible no matter what the conference rules might be.

i got a response.
thankfully.
she is not allowed to speak until after dinner—she'll explain later, when she can.

holy mackerels!
i don't know what to think.
i know this though.
what i'm thinking isn't something i'm quite prepared to share with anyone.

oh baby!

912. wings on a kia

as long as insurance is the engine of healthcare, no matter what obama does, it's akin to putting wings on a kia and expecting it to fly.

911. i'm outta touch

boy am i ever outta touch.
i use yahoo for my home page.
they feature a top ten most popular search list.
i didn't know or understand one entry on the list.
i am a social misfit, a mainstream moron, a pop culture anomaly.
a bona fide baby boomer bust.
an embarrassment to the "in crowd".
(is "in crowd" even cool to say anymore? is cool even cool?)

what a loser.

910. will jon and kate separate?

this is a question weighing heavy on the minds of many.
i would not be one of them—i barely know who jon and kate are.
i think they have 37 kids the same age.
smart tv people made it the stuff of a reality show.
now i'm not sure i know anyone else with 37 kids the same age.
i guess i live in a bubble of some sort because my experience is that there is nothing real about it.
but i'm willing to concede it might be a scourge in other parts of the country.

anyway, i just listened to "newscasters" discuss this pressing question as if its answer might weigh heavily on whether or not the iranian protests continue.

quite honestly, i don't wish jon and kate poorly, and hope this is just some sort of marketing ploy by those same smart tv people.
but frankly, i haven't seen a reality tv family yet that hasn't imploded by the stains of their own dirty laundry bared for all the public to see.
a season of fame almost always results in self-destruction.
it's what we the viewers seem to want too, after all, nicey nice is not how a voyeur hopes to be rewarded.
it's a shame really.
when will these families learn.

oh well, let the train wreck begin so we can move on to octomom.

(from the files) 230. fathers day wish

i wish some of the good will on fathers day would carry over at least a day or two, before it's back to manstake punishment as usual.

908. time for word association

it's word association time.
today's word is "street".
answer: wooden spoon

explanation: when i hear street i remember having a particularly hearty wooden spoon session with ma for swimming around in a clogged drainage pool at the bottom of the street we lived on. normally this never would have been an issue. in fact it was encouraged, especially if there was lightning about. unfortunately, the street had been freshly tarred earlier in the day and so were our legs, arms, bellies and hair after the swimming. i would learn soon after that ma meant it literally when she screamed, "i'll beat the tar out of you."

907. the longest day and women

it's fast coming up to the longest day of the year, which always gets me thinking about how i like my women, distant yet ebullient.

yeah, i'm not sure what to make of it either.

906. the law of big numbers

i have been told i have a keen sense of humor.
i'm here to tell you, i don't have a sense of humor, and even if i did, there would be nothing keen about it.
i mean, come on.
have you read some of this drivel?

nope.
no sense of humor.
not a laughvoyant.
scent of humor?
maybe, after all farts can be funny if properly timed.
but sense of humor?
nada.

now what i do have a sense of is the law of big numbers.
if i write something with the intent of being particularly jocular, someone out there is bound to find it funny.
see?
the law of big numbers.
with a world population of 6.5+ billion people, there is bound to be a handful who are going to smile at this stuff.
the trick is finding them.

which brings me to the internets.
that's where you find them.
gotta love the google search and tricky seo smart tags.
it finds them.
eventually.

need an example?
well, like pam for instance.
she lives in rochester, new york for god's sake.
no one lives there on purpose, unless of course they lived in new jersey first.
and i have no idea what people from rochester laugh at.
probably jokes about people from new jersey if i had to guess.
but there she was, just waiting for something to make her laugh.
and thanks to the internets, i come along.
the law of big numbers my friends.

another example?
all right, take another unlikely sort.
he travels in internet circles under the name lightly.
he lives somewhere in western canada.
i think on a farm as best i can piece together.
the only people who live there are people who move out of rochester, new york, and certain parts of south africa.
what makes those folks laugh?
if i were a bettin' man i'd say frozen american jokes.
but i don't know any.
so what's the probability i'd find someone there who thinks i'm amusing.
four words.
the law of big numbers.
(five to perfectionists who have to count every word)
and thanks to a wayward google search, bingo!

need one more example do ya?
how about, itsmecissy.
a librarian type from san jose, california.
la la land.
the governator.
they laugh at san francisco.
but not itsmecissy.
she laughs at benny and andy and me for cryin' out loud.
what kind of nut job, i mean, one in a billion chance is that?
and why?
yup, the law of big numbers!

Yes indeedy.
sometimes i lean back, take a look at this posse of mine, and think, holy cow! what a group! thank you law of big numbers!.
and then i weep for an hour or so.

oh baby!

905. raindrops keep falling

what a glorious day it is.
dark, drizzled, dreadful.
a force of nature's will.

a slow day.
to embrace turtle paced thoughts.
to see with unopened eyes.
to feel cool grays touch.
to breathe without noise.

all, i suppose, so that i might hear the tears of a wounded earth fall.

904. liz story, where are you?

i've decided i need theme music for this blog.
i also decided i need someone to write and perform it, since i can do neither.
let's see.
something new agey and piano-ey.
yes.
and ... um ... hmmm ... i'm getting vibes that it would be good if it were by someone with initials l.s..
google searching.
gotta love the goog!
oh, what do you know.
one result.
oh my!
it's like a sign of some sort.
liz story.
of course!

the problem is i can't contact her or get within 100 yards of her.
part of a silly old court order.
nothing really.
they claimed it was stalking.
i claimed it was walking near her for three weeks by sheer happenstance.
a lot of something about a lot of nothing if you ask me.

anyway, i've lost track of her.
so if any of you know her, would you mind giving me her address, phone number and any pictures of her in a hot tub.

thanks!

in the meantime, i'm working on a little humming number i'll pipe in until i have a chance to hire my sweetest of ivory angels, lizzy.