"if it's good news, it must be someone else's"

Sunday, July 20, 2014

James Taylor

I knocked off a to-do on my bucket list this past week. I saw James Taylor live before one of us was dead, which by definition would kill the live part for one of us. And by the looks of things at the concert, I may have done this just in the knick of time.

By the way, he was great. He was James.

I'm corrected

Keaton said, "You men think you can do everything we can do."
I said, "Well other than having babies, that's pretty much true."
She said, "Oh yeah, try being a mermaid, Mr. Smarty Pants."
And I said, "Okay, I'm corrected, while standing."

Sunday, July 13, 2014


I enjoy a vibrant, verbal joust between "So You Think You Can Dance" judge Nigel Lythgoe and any  clueless, narcissistic stiff who actually thinks he or she can dance. As a matter of balance, I love a good old arm-bar, submission, tap out just as much.

Like Eggplant and Salt

It seems that whenever I snuggle up to Keaton, I cause her to sweat. It's as if she's a skinned, ripe eggplant and I'm a big old hairy block of salt.

Friday, July 11, 2014

A Nose Full of Nickels

I was up at Cranelegs Pond the other day walking Annabel (our deaf, blind and not-so-dumb yellow lab) like a good seeing eye human does. While searching its still, slate water for some sort of sign of that monster bass, the same one, I might add, that Wee Dicky Upwright across the way swears gobbled up a small goat that had casually stopped by for a drink, I stumbled upon an old nickel on the ground. Buffalo up. So I reached down and slowly lifted it, pinched between my thumb and index finger. I examined it for a date but without my glasses, I couldn't tell the difference between numbers and "In God We Trust". Not exactly a glowing endorsement for a seeing eye human.

So I tucked it in my palm and shoved it into my pocket for future inspection. And as I did, I was reminded how my grandma always used to say, "I wish I had a nose full of nickels", which always seemed peculiar to me and therefore worthy of a good old try. So I did from time to time. That is, place nickels in my nose; two in one nostril and three in the other. It kind of felt cool, like body piercing, I suppose, without the holes. I thought my grandma was on to something, until my mother got a load of my distorted snout one afternoon and screamed, "Get those nickels out your nose right this instant buster! Are you insane! Ya know, I can take you back to the lunatics that made you. Is that what you want?"

Now that may seem a bit harsh but that's the sort of thing a normally sane woman will yell from time to time when confronted with the hourly horrors released by her four male offspring under the age of seven. I mean I was well aware that there were no "other" lunatics in the picture and that I was completely of her DNA. In fact I was positive of this fact. Even at age six, when these sort of para-abnormal activities occurred.

No, it wasn't the threat of casting me off to unknown, lunatic louts, who lurked mysteriously beyond my street, waiting for the chance to reclaim their own devil brood, that got to me. What got to me were the mixed messages. My grandma with all the bright ideas and my mom with all the counterpoints. It's a wonder I'm able to eat oatmeal.

Oh yeah, I was able to sell the nickel online for 5 cents cold cash.

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

About Discussion Threads (and I'm not talking about conversation clothes)

I used to belong to the blogging community, Blogcatalog. It's what many might consider being part of the blogging experience. Part of the belonging requires participating in discussion threads. A discussion thread occurs when a community sibling poses a thoughtful question to which the Blogcatalog family responds in serious and insightful ways, thus creating a thread of intelligent dialogue.

Well, that's the idea anyway.

But in practice, instead I am reminded just how doomed the human species is.Thoughtful inquiry and coherent discussion have never been the mainstay of any online forum I've ever run across, so it's not just Blogcatalog. There are plenty others. In fact, it's better than most and yet it still succumbs to the insanity of internet human interaction.

Exhibit A:

The following was a real discussion question: do single men respect single women who give them oral sex?

(I remember think, Holy cow! Thanks for asking because i can't think of a more pressing matter!)

Apparently, this was a troublesome conundrum for a probing female questioner, who had heard from one of her male friends that, sad to say, "disrespect was the only result". Don't get me wrong. I'm sure the questioner was a swell gal who most likely was just trying to work through an indiscretion or two. We all have them. Hell! I have a boat load. But given what was going on around us—you know, the collapse of the world's atmosphere and Justin Bieber and all—this just seems like small potatoes, so to speak. But as small as these potatoes are, the discussion that it ignited turned into a banquet for the boorish; a feeding frenzy of the frenetic, if you will; a jamboree for the rock-from-under, crawler-outers.

The content and attitudes that oozed from the depths of the Internets were striking in both tone, misspellings and idiocy. The only explanation for this virtual insult to sensible civil discourse is that internet anonymity in the hands of unsocialized earthlings can only spell trouble with a capital "T", that rhymes with "D", which stands for "Discussion Threads".

Now I've heard it all

When someone tells me, "Now I've heard it all", I tell them, "Only if you go completely deaf or Sarah Palin goes completely dumb."