(from the files) 877. double dead meat

oh man!
keaton is returning tomorrow—the queen vegan of veganista.
and i had a belly full of steak tonight in a joint birthday celebration with my carnivore son.
red meat.
medium rare.
kobe no less.
massaged!
moo-oo-oo!

and let there be no mistake, it was scrump, diddly, and umptious!

regrettably though, i'm double dead meat when the queen of green finds out.
but since i am dead meat anyway as the result of manstake 41-2009 (i.e., stabbing her beloved, dormant clematis vine to death in an apparent case of mistaken identity, thought it was poison ivy), i figured i might just as well be stuffed to the gunnels (if i only knew what gunnels were) with the best beef a son's money can buy, pretty much making this a self-fully-filled prophesy—so to speak.

dental hygienists

what is it about me and dental hygienists?
i always lie to them.
just yesterday it happened again.
and i hate myself for it.

hygienist: so bob have you been feeling any discomfort or pain in your mouth?
me: no.
[full answer: no. not if i don't touch any teeth or drink any fluids or chew or breathe.]

hygienist: well that's good. have you been flossing?
me: oh yes, every day. at least once. maybe twice.
[full answer: every day i have steak, which is once or twice a year, no thanks to keaton's no meat infliction.]

hygienist: have you noticed any bleeding from your gums?
me: no, can't say i have.
[full answer: i mean there's plenty of blood in the sink, as much as a half pint some days, but i figure it must be from tb or something other than my gums.]

hygienist: have you been following the gum care instructions from your periodontist?
me: oh yes.
[full answer: oh yes, no i haven't.]

hygienist: hmm, i see.
me: what?
[full answer: what, like you're really a hygienist anyway?]

dumb recording ideas skill

i've decided to make use of my dumb recording ideas skill by using my cell phone to capture cranelegs pond thoughts as they occur, especially since my thoughts have become as fleeting as levi johnston apologies lately, not to mention i should put my dazzling technology savvy to better use than just programming tv remote controls.


i played back my first recorded idea from yesterday.
the recording said, write that funny thing benny said about cars and waxed floors.
it sure was my stupid voice all right.
i played it back again.
the recording said, write that funny thing benny said about cars and waxed floors.
hmm.
i thought to myself, what funny thing?
then it occurred to me that i really do need to work on removing the "dumb" from my "dumb recording ideas skill", if this is to go to plan.

calls from “unknown”

i get a lot of calls on my cell phone that come up on the display as “unknown”.
when i answer, i always ask, do i know you?
and the caller always says, i don’t think so.
(well except that one time when i'm pretty sure it was oprah, but that was her just being a jerk, checking up on me, all part of our little impasse, and has little to do with the matter at hand)

anyway, i'm left wondering, that’s amazing! how does my cell phone know that i don't know who they are?

if you think about, which i do way too much, it's spooky really.
so i tell the caller all about how scary smart my phone is, and boy when i get going, i can go on and on.
unfortunately, before i can finish, the unknown callers always hang up, and i'm sorry to say some even resort to potty mouth before they disconnect.

i chalk it all up to they’re just mad because their phones aren’t as smart as mine, which seems awfully petty, leading me to believe that whatever it was they called me about couldn't have been so important, if this is what it all boils down to, that is a few pedestrian cuss words.

fly on the wall

when i hear people say, "if i could be a fly on the wall", i wonder what the heck they are talking about.
if i could be a fly, the last place i'd want to be is on some wall listening to some dumb conversation.
i'm a fly for chrissakes.
i'd be getting directions to angelina's wherebouts licketty split.
or to ashley judd's, if i wanted to keep it real.

63. shocking alive people

most people are shocked by who dies.
i’m always shocked by who’s still alive.
bob barker, maggie thatcher and zsa zsa gabor are three people who immediately come to mind.

(a year ago i wrote) 878. the natural law of dandelions

it was garden weeding time yesterday.
i approached it like i always have—like an earthly root canal.
and if you ever have engaged a well developed dandelion in hand-to-stem combat, it is a root canal for sure, except like no root you've ever encountered.
the dandelion root breaches the ceiling of hell my friends.

and there it was smack in the middle of the garden.
the mother of all dandelions, with it's dumb yellow flower and all.
the parting words from keaton, and make sure you get that big dandelion out, root and all!
i thought quietly (because it was safer than out loudly), why can't we just plant around the dandelion?  we just can't let it be. gotta kill the dandelion!

it would be a long battle for sure.
first the digging—as far as i could through the earth's crust.
when i finally collapsed in a blistered heap, the hole was large enough for a small office building septic system, and i could still see that single vein burrowed deeper yet.
and if i knew anything about dandelions, i'd have to get it all or i might just as well chop it off at the surface, because it's coming back bigger, badder and yellower.

i hate the sunny bastards i tell ya!

so i climbed down into the pit and firmly tugged on the root as close to the bottom as possible, hoping beyond hope it would pull free from the devil's grip.

snap!

goddammit! defeated!

so i emptied four gallons of concentrated weed killer into the hole and filled it in, knowing darn well it was only a matter of time before the root canal would become an abscess once again, with its weedy, leafy pustule choke on the whimsical, deer eaten geranium stubs planted in it's way.

this gave me pause to think about what it was i was doing.
why would something as small and yellow as a dandelion in bloom have a root system as deep and purposeful as an oil well rig.
there must be a reason.
and after careful deduction and brain activity, i came to the only natural man-conclusion i could: flower gardens are dumb ideas!

if you have to have one, make it out of cement!

now the trick is using my persuasion skills on keaton to teach her the ways of natural man-law and cement—an objective that could turn out to be more challenging than the dandelion root itself.

what is sarah doin' now?

did you see the recent piece of evidence regarding sarah palin's credentials to run this country?
it's beautiful.
she confronts a woman who doesn't think much of her celebrated, short-lived governorship.
eventually the woman asks sarah point blank what is she doing for alaska to which sarah incoherently replies the following fractured thought: "... to elect candidates who understand the constitution, to protect our military interests so that we can keep on fightin’ for our constitution that will protect some of the freedoms that evidently are important to you too." 

what is she babbling about?
the woman is a loon.
then her daughter. bristol, who really should just call it a year, smacking gum and proudly wearing an elmer fudd hat, snidely mouths off at the poor woman about her mother representing all of america now and not just alaska.
meanwhile, as this yapping about freedom protectin' is going on, sarah's two security goons are doing their dumb best to block a video camera from recording this train wreck.

i'm tellin' ya, that palin clan would definitely make some first family—the first family i'd never want to see in the white house, not even on a tour.

all in the family

it has come to my atttention that some of you might enjoy some smooth jazz, specifically, piano and bass duets.
well, the crane family not only brings you this humor bonanza called cranelegs pond but jazz genius as well.
visit: jazz bassist rick crane
and order his cd gosh darn it all!

and wait till ya see what the mom cat does!
stay tuned!

little sunday music by gen hirano

came across this video.
the pianist is gen hirano.
no, he is not a gang banger.
yes, he is gifted.

i love this piece, samuel barber's adagio for strings (you might know it as that haunting music from the movie, platoon).
gen arranged it for piano and what a visually surreal performance.
hope you enjoy it as much as i.

(now if he would just play jazz, i'd get him playing duets with my brother licketty split!)

barber's addagio for strings

(from the files) 638. i'm not winning any trophies

boy, i sure do seem to have a lot to say about other people.
most of it no good.
maybe i should calm my bad self down.
after all, it's not like i'm winning any trophies.
i mean, i wonder what people like kevin trudeau, jim cantore, and ann coulter might conclude about me if all they knew of me had been from this blog.

if i'm honest with myself, two conclusions would certainly be: 1) i am verb tense challenged, and 2) i have some sort of lower case disorder—two big no-nos for a wannabe writer.
also, some readers might conclude i envy others good fortune (even if they do really deserve it).
that i'm all about sour grapes.
i suppose they'd have a point, even though they're probably losers.

ah, this feels good, being honest with myself and all.
kind of refreshing.

Hey, you know who's a jerk?
that idiot Tony robbins fellow with the big jaw and big positive thinking already.

look at that.
right verb tense and improvements on capitalization.
things are turning around.
i'm self actualizing right before me eyes.

(excerpt from bob's interview on oprah) oprah probes bob about blogging

(note: the following is from the official transcript of bob's interview on the oprah winfrey show, which is scheduled to air on tuesday, august 6, 2013. unfortunately, she plans to end her show in september of 2011.)


oprah: so i want to get to blogging since that is how i came across your work.
bob: sounds good opes, i think we pretty much beat my sex life to death anyway.
oprah (fanning herself): uh hah ... i've got myself a good case of the vapors honey child. so it's time to cool this girl down.
(audience laughs)
bob: so what would you like to know?
oprah: whatever got you started in blogging?
bob: whatever got me started? i actually don't know to tell ya the truth. maybe it's the old mount everest deal, "because it's there".
oprah: well writing was there and you chose not to do that the old fashion way.
bob: well the truth is, in the beginning i did start by writing the old fashion way.
oprah: really? what happened?
bob: pretty much nothing.
oprah: well, what did you write?
bob: a collection of short stories about growing up in the sixties.
oprah: i see.
bob: unfortunately, no one else did.
oprah: sorry to hear that. so what did you do?
bob: well, i got the idea to build a cheapo website and use my internet skills to get the stories out there.
oprah: what was the websites name?
bob: cranelegs pond.
oprah: interesting.
bob: no it's not.
oprah: don't take that literally, it's just what i say when i need to keep the dialogue moving.
bob: interesting.
oprah: exactly.
(audience laughs)
oprah: so you tried writing short stories and that didn't work. a boring life huh? so how did you go from that to those short, lower-case, weird wordy things you do now?
bob: brian andreas.
oprah: who?
bob: brian andreas. he writes the shortest stories i know. two or three sentences max. and they are almost always memorable.
oprah: i've never heard of him.
bob: look him up. he's good. anyway, i started writing short pieces and i put them on the website. next thing i knew, people started visiting. don't have a clue as to why. maybe it was the pictures of breasts.
(audience laughs)
oprah: breasts?
bob: don't take that literally opes. i say that to get attention.
oprah: breasts.
bob: exactly.
oprah: okay ... but it's still a website. when did you go to a blog?
bob: boy you're probing.
oprah: yes. yes, i am.
(audience applauds)
oprah: soooo ... when?
bob: another writer, whose book i was editing at the time, had started a blog and was creating quite a buzz. when i finally got around to looking at her blog, it hit me that it was the perfect format, given my style and all, and the short attention span people have. so one thing led to another and bam! three years ago, i launched cranelegs pond. well, launch is a little hollywood. it was more like a burp. a baby's spit-up really. i spit-up cranelegs pond. yeah. that's what i did.
(audience politely laughs)
oprah: and now you have a three year old that's walking and talking and potty trained.
(audience laughs)
bob: well, i don't know about that shit.
oprah: okay, obviously not potty trained.
(audience roars)
bob: for sure.
oprah: well i just have to tell you, i love your work.
bob: really?
oprah: no. not at all. actually you're annoying.
bob: sorry. it's just that—
oprah: it's just that you keep complaining about not being called onto my show. you're bringing me down. god! you're draining.
bob: i didn't think—
oprah: you didn't think? no kidding!
bob: well, this isn't the witty exchange i was anticipating.
oprah (to the audience): when we come back, bob will tell us why he haunts me.

the wegman's rejection

well, it came in the mail.
a folded postcard affair from wegmans.
(i had had a phone interview for a job in their seafood department just a week ago that i thought went quite well. i was namin' fish left and right, all the while being my witty bad self with great fish jokes sprinkled in for conversational levity.)
well anyway, the postcard was a very kind, almost pleasant, rejection.
"it is our decision that nothing is available at this time for which you are suited; however, we will keep your application on file for a year in the event something we believe to be a good match for you opens up."

but a rejection is a rejection no matter how spectacular the postcard.
i thought, what possibly went wrong? it couldn't have been that old joke about "there was a black sea bass, a red snapper and a whitefish in a net ..."? it's cute.

i even told the interviewer about cranelegs pond and how it's a great way to come to understand what kind of introspective, intelligent, mature person i am.
i went on to say i probably even wrote something about wegmans if she was curious.

hmmm ...
that was very stupid of me.
what i wrote about my maturity and wegmans

i don't think i'll be hearing from them any time soon, or any time really late for that matter.

holy smokes! justin bieber is writing his two page momoir!

this i have to read—the justin bieber story—all 30 seconds of it.
first though, let's be real honest—justin isn't writing a thing.
he's 16 for chrissakes.
when i was sixteen, i could barely write a sentence without using "and" about 103 times.
in fact, if i recall correctly, i was diagramming sentences that other people wrote because i certainly couldn't write them.

now, i'm probably going out on a limb here for sure, but when does justin have time to learn what the past tense is (or was?), which is exactly what he's going to have to master in order to write a memoir.
the truth is he is telling his memoir to someone who will write it down for him and try to make sentences out of all the "so like"s, "it's like"s and "um like"s.

second, what could we possibly learn about this crooning clump of hair with dancin' legs?
even if he did master the past tense, he'd need a past in order to use it.
it's what makes the memoir so memoirish.
did i mention he's only sixteen for god's sake—this latest creation by our beloved showbiz biz?
he's just getting to all the drugs and sexcapades and the falling from grace that a good memoir make.
it's like some kind of premature memoirlation, minus the messy clean-up.
i'm just sayin, that's all.

well, i guess to his credit he beat the american idol system.
gee, that's worth a page.
can't forget that ellen degeneres claims to love him, which is a lot of hoodwinking to tell ya the truth, given her lesbian lifestyle and all.
maybe he's gonna reveal they made out or something sizzling like that—a gay cougar gone straight sort of affair.
that would be an interesting page.
but that's about the extent of it, although i suspect there will be a lot about mom.

so what we really have here is a 2 page momoir at best.
hope there are lots of pictures to kind of fill it in a bit.

however ...
having said all that, i smell opportunity and it smells like teen dearest.
i'm assuming he is hunting for a ghost writer.
entre moi!

my dearest mr. bieber, allow me to introduce myself.
a sample of how i might treat your compelling story for your perusal, if i may:
 "i was so like born, and it's like i became a mega star without the help of american idol, and miss ellen and i um like made out in her green room, which was really a yucky blue color. i was so like a wild transformer, and she was so like a barbie doll in like this really pretty brown pants number. in the meantime, i like grew great hair, which i so couldn't have done without mom."

like the end!
like $53.95!

(one year ago i wrote) 938. i can do nineteen things extremely well

1. vacuum
2. exaggerate
(one year later: i can do 23 things extremely well)

610. a party exit poorly executed

we were at a family gathering of cousins, uncles and aunts recently, and the "good bye" exit time set a record.
sixty four minutes to be exact.
and i was left wondering why.

after some thorough mulling over, i figured out why: i have a renegade exit-stop-and-chatter in my posse.

i'm of the rather blunt opinion that if after four hours you are not able to have a conversation with all there, the "good bye" exit is not the time to do it.
it can wait three years until the next time.
unfortunately, i have one posse member, who will go nameless, that uses the "good bye" exit to complete her stop and chats, and in the process makes a boat load of future plans.
the takeaway: don't leave her to do an exit wander around unattended.

it was so bad yesterday, that i had forgotten who i said good bye to already and double "good-byed" many.
in one case, it was the triple, as rare a good bye blunder as ever one could make.

so the key is to corral my posse on the exit walkabout.
keep them close and keep them focused.
with a little fine tuning i should get this under the acceptable nineteen minutes in no time flat.