"if it's good news, it must be someone else's"

Saturday, August 28, 2010

dental hygienists

what is it about me and dental hygienists?
i always lie to them.
just yesterday it happened again.
and i hate myself for it.

hygienist: so bob have you been feeling any discomfort or pain in your mouth?

me: no.
[full answer: no. not if i don't touch any teeth or drink any fluids or chew or breathe.]

hygienist: well that's good. have you been flossing?
me: oh yes, every day. at least once. maybe twice.
[full answer: every day i have steak, which is once or twice a year, no thanks to keaton's no meat infliction.]

hygienist: have you noticed any bleeding from your gums?
me: no, can't say i have.
[full answer: i mean there's plenty of blood in the sink, as much as a half pint some days, but i figure it must be from tb or something other than my gums.]

hygienist: have you been following the gum care instructions from your periodontist?
me: oh yes.
[full answer: oh yes, no i haven't.]

hygienist: hmm, i see.
me: what?
[full answer: what, like you're really a hygienist anyway?]


Randy Johnson said...

Gosh, and I took you for an honest sort Bob. Hmmm, at least you’re honest about lying, so I guess that puts you back in the honest category. Well honest Bob, I like to skip the dancing and get right to S&M, so when my hygienist asks the inevitable flossing question I always tell her “that’s what I pay you for.” Then she pulls out her torture devices and commences right away with the pain session.

Pam said...

Those hygienists are all related to the Marquis De Sade. I love the gleam in both their eyes as they put on their rubber gloves with a snap at the wrists, tie on their face mask, then come at you with that dagger-like hooked tool.

There are other things I'd much rather be doing than paying $195/hour to be tortured by a hygienist who got up on the wrong side of the bed while going through PMS.

I'll send you some pina colada flavored dental floss, Bobby. I'll send Brunhilda some horse pucky.

No, wait! I'll eat garlic for breakfast before I go have my teeth cleaned. That's ten times worse than horse pucky. Especially if you eat garlic with green onions and a black coffee chaser.

itsmecissy said...

Ah quite yur whining! I had the nail on my left big toe removed Monday (ingrown toenail). Talk about pain, I'm the QUEEN of PAIN right now.

Bring me one of them steaks and a superb glass of Cabernet . . . please?

Randy Johnson said...

itsmecissy: See what happens when you don't floss between your toes?!...I think this is what they call a "teachable moment."

itsmecissy said...

Randy: NOW you tell me! Waxed or unwaxed?

Randy Johnson said...

For springtime fresh toes you can never go wrong with unwaxed cinnamon.

Robert Crane said...

and i thought i had issues. what a crew.

itsmecissy said...

hey bob!
are you safe from the "Wrath of Earl" in your neck of the woods?

Hope Pam is OK too.

Out here on the left coast, the Weather channel is making it out to be the right coast Katrina.

We're dying in 100 deg heat right now.

Robert Crane said...

the only folks afraid of earl are dental hygienists and frankly they are a fragile lot.