"if it's good news, it must be someone else's"

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

holy smokes! justin bieber is writing his two page momoir!

this i have to read—the justin bieber story—all 30 seconds of it.
first though, let's be real honest—justin isn't writing a thing.
he's 16 for chrissakes.
when i was sixteen, i could barely write a sentence without using "and" about 103 times.
in fact, if i recall correctly, i was diagramming sentences that other people wrote because i certainly couldn't write them.

now, i'm probably going out on a limb here for sure, but when does justin have time to learn what the past tense is (or was?), which is exactly what he's going to have to master in order to write a memoir.
the truth is he is telling his memoir to someone who will write it down for him and try to make sentences out of all the "so like"s, "it's like"s and "um like"s.

second, what could we possibly learn about this crooning clump of hair with dancin' legs?
even if he did master the past tense, he'd need a past in order to use it.
it's what makes the memoir so memoirish.
did i mention he's only sixteen for god's sake—this latest creation by our beloved showbiz biz?
he's just getting to all the drugs and sexcapades and the falling from grace that a good memoir make.

it's like some kind of premature memoirlation, minus the messy clean-up.
i'm just sayin, that's all.

well, i guess to his credit he beat the american idol system.
gee, that's worth a page.
can't forget that ellen degeneres claims to love him, which is a lot of hoodwinking to tell ya the truth, given her lesbian lifestyle and all.
maybe he's gonna reveal they made out or something sizzling like that—a gay cougar gone straight sort of affair.
that would be an interesting page.
but that's about the extent of it, although i suspect there will be a lot about mom.

so what we really have here is a 2 page momoir at best.
hope there are lots of pictures to kind of fill it in a bit.

however ...

having said all that, i smell opportunity and it smells like teen dearest.
i'm assuming he is hunting for a ghost writer.
entre moi!

my dearest mr. bieber, allow me to introduce myself.
a sample of how i might treat your compelling story for your perusal, if i may:

 "i was so like born, and it's like i became a mega star without the help of american idol, and miss ellen and i um like made out in her green room, which was really a yucky blue color. i was so like a wild transformer, and she was so like a barbie doll in like this really pretty brown pants number. in the meantime, i like grew great hair, which i so couldn't have done without mom."

like the end!
like $53.95!


itsmecissy said...

OK, I give yp. Who is Justin Bieber? If it helps, I only watch Project Runway when I visit my niece in Oregon, she DVR's every episode - is that the right word? I don't DVR.

itsmecissy said...

Where's one of those young boy toys when you need one?

Pam said...

Oh no...not another boy toy! Uh...yeah...who is Justin Bieber? I attribute not knowing anything about these young guys because I've almost reached old coot status. I'm into handsome 70 plus types myself. In any case, happy trails to all of you cuties at the pond...and always watch out for the horse pucky.

Randy Johnson said...

As a member of the “past tense generation” the first thing that springs to my mind is …Justin who? For Pete’s sake, I have shirts in my closet that haven’t been pulled off the hanger in his lifetime. I have a roll of film I keep meaning to get developed that’s been rattling around in my desk drawer since before he was born. Sixteen? A memoir? At sixteen my life could have been summed up (in detail) in a limerick, but I digress …Justin who?

lightly said...

you old folks are just stupid, these brats are not like the rolling stones or elvis, their "careers" are gone in the blink of an eye.
they better write it down because they will be forgotten by tomorrow.

but relax people i'm sure tom jones will have a photo op with justin soon.

lightly said...

oh crap, i just looked him up on wiki leaks, he is one of our (the frozen north) people.

Robert Crane said...

this is very sad indeed. not one of my regular craneleg pond chums knows who this guy is.

(i have to reconsider my demographics, an outreach to the youngin's is in order. pathetic. that's what we have here.)

itsmecissy said...

It is widely known that lightly has no life.

lightly said...

you say that like its a bad thing.

and for the record my job ain't no picnic either.

Ladygoodwood said...

Robert, I do hope you can influence the publishers to produce, what promises to be a scintillating memoir, in large type format so we optically mature people can also engage in the opportunity of learning from justin's welath of experience and thereby enrich our silver surfing years.

Giggles - smiles always!