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Wednesday, August 11, 2010

(a year ago i wrote) 878. the natural law of dandelions

it was garden weeding time yesterday.
i approached it like i always have—like an earthly root canal.
and if you ever have engaged a well developed dandelion in hand-to-stem combat, it is a root canal for sure, except like no root you've ever encountered.
the dandelion root breaches the ceiling of hell my friends.

and there it was smack in the middle of the garden.
the mother of all dandelions, with it's dumb yellow flower and all.
the parting words from keaton, and make sure you get that big dandelion out, root and all!

i thought quietly (because it was safer than out loudly), why can't we just plant around the dandelion?  we just can't let it be. gotta kill the dandelion!

it would be a long battle for sure.
first the digging—as far as i could through the earth's crust.
when i finally collapsed in a blistered heap, the hole was large enough for a small office building septic system, and i could still see that single vein burrowed deeper yet.
and if i knew anything about dandelions, i'd have to get it all or i might just as well chop it off at the surface, because it's coming back bigger, badder and yellower.

i hate the sunny bastards i tell ya!

so i climbed down into the pit and firmly tugged on the root as close to the bottom as possible, hoping beyond hope it would pull free from the devil's grip.


goddammit! defeated!

so i emptied four gallons of concentrated weed killer into the hole and filled it in, knowing darn well it was only a matter of time before the root canal would become an abscess once again, with its weedy, leafy pustule choke on the whimsical, deer eaten geranium stubs planted in it's way.

this gave me pause to think about what it was i was doing.
why would something as small and yellow as a dandelion in bloom have a root system as deep and purposeful as an oil well rig.
there must be a reason.
and after careful deduction and brain activity, i came to the only natural man-conclusion i could: flower gardens are dumb ideas!

if you have to have one, make it out of cement!

now the trick is using my persuasion skills on keaton to teach her the ways of natural man-law and cement—an objective that could turn out to be more challenging than the dandelion root itself.

1 comment:

itsmecissy said...

Mother Nature always wins.