just when i start to get comfortable and think i’m a pretty good catch for keaton—even considering my propensity for manstakes and all—i remind myself that thirty five years ago i broke up with a perfectly wonderful girl because she said “jeepers” and "fiddlesticks" way too much.
that little guy gem reminds me of what possibly still lurks below the surface and snaps me out of my delusion licketty split.
the truth is it will take considerable more time and constant fine tuning to surmount that lowest of lows.
only then may i allow myself to indulge in such "good catchiness" business.
by all standard calculations, i estimate i'm 62% there, having slipped 11% since the original post (it's this unpublished/unemployment nuance that has set me back a little).
Welcome to Cranelegs Pond! Like Walden except really shallow!
Friday, February 27, 2009
834. super hero "d" list: super model gisele
super model gisele zaps tom brady, who is helpless without his protective titanium cup.Thursday, February 26, 2009
(from the files) 358. it’s a cat-3 hairicane dad
i’ve been in hairicane season for about six years now, which means the top of my head is under constant surveillance by the storm center, manned normally by my son, and occasionally by riff raff.
well, the other day my son flew hairicane reconnaissance over the crown of my head and reported that the eye wall was well defined, the outer bands were expanding, and it appeared to have grown into a classic cat-3 bald spot.
i love my son to death, but there are times when his weather channel obsession doesn’t translate well to humor at the old man’s expense, something i could do without as i move into my stormy, cranky years.
well, the other day my son flew hairicane reconnaissance over the crown of my head and reported that the eye wall was well defined, the outer bands were expanding, and it appeared to have grown into a classic cat-3 bald spot.
i love my son to death, but there are times when his weather channel obsession doesn’t translate well to humor at the old man’s expense, something i could do without as i move into my stormy, cranky years.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
(from the files) 505. simplifying can be so complicated
keaton and i are amidst a simplification campaign, preparing to make a move someday.
we don't know where to yet but that seems to be the least of our problems.
it's the process of thinning out the stuff, of lightening the load so to speak, of trimming the fat to put it another way, of just plain simplifying that is so troublesome.
for example, when i can't part with a pair of so called antique wooden dumbbells i bought in a barn in maine back in 1973, the difficulties begin.
and she has her precious can't-part-withs too.
oh baby!
but i think there is hope.
we agreed recently to throw out an old broken transitor radio that only picked up signals from the sixties.
it took a day of tough posturing and negotiating, but it was done.
unfortunately though at this rate, i'll be buried with those idiotic dumbbells of mine before we get anywhere soon.
(hmm ... idiotic dumbbells seems redundant)
we don't know where to yet but that seems to be the least of our problems.
it's the process of thinning out the stuff, of lightening the load so to speak, of trimming the fat to put it another way, of just plain simplifying that is so troublesome.
for example, when i can't part with a pair of so called antique wooden dumbbells i bought in a barn in maine back in 1973, the difficulties begin.
and she has her precious can't-part-withs too.
oh baby!
but i think there is hope.
we agreed recently to throw out an old broken transitor radio that only picked up signals from the sixties.
it took a day of tough posturing and negotiating, but it was done.
unfortunately though at this rate, i'll be buried with those idiotic dumbbells of mine before we get anywhere soon.
(hmm ... idiotic dumbbells seems redundant)
832. the unpublished writer's version of the chicken or the egg
you know you are talking to an unpublished writer when they ask, "which came first, the agent or the publisher?".
to those unpublished writers stumbling across this post, you know what i mean.
you need an agent to find a publisher, but you need to be published to land an agent.
this leaves but one option, self-publishing, which is about as appealing as masturbating in the middle of grand central station ... at rush hour ... with boxing gloves on.
but desperation requires such a disdainful maneuver.
i am such a desperate person, as i am up to my eyeballs in such disdainity!
and in the irony of all human ironies, i'm going blind as a result, never to see the words i put to print.
alas, to quote stymie of the little rascals, "hey goat hold it!".
(not sure what that has to do with this but it's one of my favorite quotes and use it whenever a quote is called for)
to those unpublished writers stumbling across this post, you know what i mean.
you need an agent to find a publisher, but you need to be published to land an agent.
this leaves but one option, self-publishing, which is about as appealing as masturbating in the middle of grand central station ... at rush hour ... with boxing gloves on.
but desperation requires such a disdainful maneuver.
i am such a desperate person, as i am up to my eyeballs in such disdainity!
and in the irony of all human ironies, i'm going blind as a result, never to see the words i put to print.
alas, to quote stymie of the little rascals, "hey goat hold it!".
(not sure what that has to do with this but it's one of my favorite quotes and use it whenever a quote is called for)
Monday, February 23, 2009
(from the files) 454. mermaids and villanova basketball
i asked, do you really think mermaids exist?
keaton said, i’m pretty certain.
i asked, where’s the evidence?
she said, that’s just it. where’s the evidence that they don’t exist?
then i subtly teased, come to think of it, you are a pretty slippery arguer for someone without scales and a flipper.
she said, being a mermaid in training, i appreciate the observation, even though it comes from a mere land bound mortal.
then i thought, hmm my subtle teasing skills are a little too clever for my own good cause now she gettin' nuts.
so i deftly segued the subject to villanova basketball.
keaton said, i’m pretty certain.
i asked, where’s the evidence?
she said, that’s just it. where’s the evidence that they don’t exist?
then i subtly teased, come to think of it, you are a pretty slippery arguer for someone without scales and a flipper.
she said, being a mermaid in training, i appreciate the observation, even though it comes from a mere land bound mortal.
then i thought, hmm my subtle teasing skills are a little too clever for my own good cause now she gettin' nuts.
so i deftly segued the subject to villanova basketball.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
829. cranelegs pond oscar picks
never have i been so prepared for the oscars.
i've seen all the nominations for best picture and other categories.
also it is the year of small independent movies.
just fantastic.
so here are the picks from cranelegs pond in each major category.
1. best supporting actress:
rooting for: marisa tomei
winner: penelope cruz
comment: marisa was such an anchor in "the wrestler", contributing to what i think will be a surprise best actor winner, but my understanding is that penelope's performance is a winner.
2. best supporting actor:
rooting for: heath ledger
winner: heath ledger
comment: i have watched his performance four times now and find it absolutely incredible, and he deserves it on the merits.
3. best actress:
rooting for: melissa leo
winner: kate winslet
melissa leo is extraordinary in "frozen river", a small budget movie with a huge heart. but having just seen kate in "the reader", it is hard to imagine her losing this. i would not be disappointed if melissa lost to kate.
4. best actor:
rooting for: richard jenkins
winner: mickey rourke
this is the toughest category. richard jenkins as the reluctant hero in "the visitor", is superb. but the movie just does not compete with the others. langella is mesmerizing as nixon (i watched the actual interview the other day and it makes his nixon even more incredible), but the role is doomed with the real life legacy. i wouldn't be surprised if sean penn wins this for his riveting performance in "milk". but i'm calling for a surprise here. i think mickey rourke's return to acting after a long absence is triumphant. who would have thunk it?
5: best director:
rooting for: frost/nixon
winner: slum dogs millionaire
comment: another tough category. growing up with opie, i'm such a fan of ron howard, and i'm rooting for him big time. but i'm a realist. the movie can go to broadway and win a few tony awards. and while the challenges of directing a movie like "the curious case of benjamin button" or capturing the power of "the reader" are considerable, "slum dogs" has to be the winner on sheer reach alone. brilliant storytelling. i would be surprised if any one else wins.
6. best picture:
rooting for: milk
winner: slum dog millionaire
comment: this follows best director. but i wouldn't be surprised or disappointed if any of them won. that was the kind of year it was!
i've seen all the nominations for best picture and other categories.
also it is the year of small independent movies.
just fantastic.
so here are the picks from cranelegs pond in each major category.
1. best supporting actress:
rooting for: marisa tomei
winner: penelope cruz
comment: marisa was such an anchor in "the wrestler", contributing to what i think will be a surprise best actor winner, but my understanding is that penelope's performance is a winner.
2. best supporting actor:
rooting for: heath ledger
winner: heath ledger
comment: i have watched his performance four times now and find it absolutely incredible, and he deserves it on the merits.
3. best actress:
rooting for: melissa leo
winner: kate winslet
melissa leo is extraordinary in "frozen river", a small budget movie with a huge heart. but having just seen kate in "the reader", it is hard to imagine her losing this. i would not be disappointed if melissa lost to kate.
4. best actor:
rooting for: richard jenkins
winner: mickey rourke
this is the toughest category. richard jenkins as the reluctant hero in "the visitor", is superb. but the movie just does not compete with the others. langella is mesmerizing as nixon (i watched the actual interview the other day and it makes his nixon even more incredible), but the role is doomed with the real life legacy. i wouldn't be surprised if sean penn wins this for his riveting performance in "milk". but i'm calling for a surprise here. i think mickey rourke's return to acting after a long absence is triumphant. who would have thunk it?
5: best director:
rooting for: frost/nixon
winner: slum dogs millionaire
comment: another tough category. growing up with opie, i'm such a fan of ron howard, and i'm rooting for him big time. but i'm a realist. the movie can go to broadway and win a few tony awards. and while the challenges of directing a movie like "the curious case of benjamin button" or capturing the power of "the reader" are considerable, "slum dogs" has to be the winner on sheer reach alone. brilliant storytelling. i would be surprised if any one else wins.
6. best picture:
rooting for: milk
winner: slum dog millionaire
comment: this follows best director. but i wouldn't be surprised or disappointed if any of them won. that was the kind of year it was!
Saturday, February 21, 2009
(from the files) 391. abundant sunshine
i love the weather channel, but sometimes i think they get a little carried away—probably out of boredom.
for example, when they say there will be abundant sunshine.
supposedly, today is such a day here in jersey.
i didn’t know it was possible to have more than just sunshine?
does it mean extra, super sunshine?
does it mean so much sunshine that there is some left over to go around?
like you can put some in a closet or basement or something?
it’s like declaring the temperature will be an abundant 73°.
of all the 73° days, this is gonna be the seventy threeist.
abundant buttocks i understand, but abundant sunshine?
nope.
for example, when they say there will be abundant sunshine.
supposedly, today is such a day here in jersey.
i didn’t know it was possible to have more than just sunshine?
does it mean extra, super sunshine?
does it mean so much sunshine that there is some left over to go around?
like you can put some in a closet or basement or something?
it’s like declaring the temperature will be an abundant 73°.
of all the 73° days, this is gonna be the seventy threeist.
abundant buttocks i understand, but abundant sunshine?
nope.
(from the files) 283. a reiki conundrum
keaton said, i’m leaving to take reiki training.
i asked, what is that, new age gardening or something?
she said, healing hands.
i said, didn’t know your hands were injured.
she said, no, healing hands, like in focusing my life force energy through my hands to heal low energy sickness in others.
i said, you know i’ve been feeling low energy in my shoulders lately.
she said, yeah well why do you think i’m doing this?
i said, cause you couldn’t get into new age gardening class?
she said, hmm … i wonder if reiki can fix low energy brains.
i said, i think that's what 'head on' does.
apparently my response lowered her self awareness energy for some reason because she shut the front door on her hand as she left.
and i can only imagine that in reiki circles injured healing hands is the stuff of big conundrums.
i asked, what is that, new age gardening or something?
she said, healing hands.
i said, didn’t know your hands were injured.
she said, no, healing hands, like in focusing my life force energy through my hands to heal low energy sickness in others.
i said, you know i’ve been feeling low energy in my shoulders lately.
she said, yeah well why do you think i’m doing this?
i said, cause you couldn’t get into new age gardening class?
she said, hmm … i wonder if reiki can fix low energy brains.
i said, i think that's what 'head on' does.
apparently my response lowered her self awareness energy for some reason because she shut the front door on her hand as she left.
and i can only imagine that in reiki circles injured healing hands is the stuff of big conundrums.
Friday, February 20, 2009
828. end of years mercy rule is finally applied
it's my birthday today.
i'm 57.
that's it.
i'm done counting.
i'm imposing the end of years mercy rule.
it's an idea derived from high school sports in some states.
for example, in jersey if a baseball team obtains a ten run lead, the mercy rule is applied and the game ends.
in the game of life, there is a similar number after which it no longer matters what your score is.
the game is over for all intents and purposes.
and so it is with great relief that i am able to finally apply the end of years mercy rule.
57!
i'm 57.
that's it.
i'm done counting.
i'm imposing the end of years mercy rule.
it's an idea derived from high school sports in some states.
for example, in jersey if a baseball team obtains a ten run lead, the mercy rule is applied and the game ends.
in the game of life, there is a similar number after which it no longer matters what your score is.
the game is over for all intents and purposes.
and so it is with great relief that i am able to finally apply the end of years mercy rule.
57!
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
823. on the chimp attack
the 911 call was chilling.
and in no way am i diminishing the anguish felt by Sandra Herold, who begged for police to arrive with a gun to shoot her fourteen year old, beloved chimp, travis, who was laying a savage beating on her girlfriend.
the police eventually shot travis, who wandered back to his room to die a solitary primate.
and sandra and the experts are left wondering why.
i may have a simple answer.
look, we can teach a chimp to dress himself, use the toilet, brush his teeth, and even use the remote to watch animal kingdom, as travis did for years.
all for our entertainment.
but at the end of the day, we still have a chimp.
a two hundred pound chimp.
an animal whose nature is not to act human.
an isolated ape in the company of fools.
and just like travis, we dress up this unexpected yet natural encounter with shock and wonderment.
in a strange way, to be entertained once again.
in much the same way we are entertained by a christian bale tirade or paris hilton exploit.
tragic? yes.
surprising? only if you believe monkeys can fly.
and in no way am i diminishing the anguish felt by Sandra Herold, who begged for police to arrive with a gun to shoot her fourteen year old, beloved chimp, travis, who was laying a savage beating on her girlfriend.
the police eventually shot travis, who wandered back to his room to die a solitary primate.
and sandra and the experts are left wondering why.
especially since she had already given him a xanax and cup of green tea earlier in the day (because he seemed on edge).
i may have a simple answer.
look, we can teach a chimp to dress himself, use the toilet, brush his teeth, and even use the remote to watch animal kingdom, as travis did for years.
all for our entertainment.
but at the end of the day, we still have a chimp.
a two hundred pound chimp.
an animal whose nature is not to act human.
an isolated ape in the company of fools.
and just like travis, we dress up this unexpected yet natural encounter with shock and wonderment.
in a strange way, to be entertained once again.
in much the same way we are entertained by a christian bale tirade or paris hilton exploit.
tragic? yes.
surprising? only if you believe monkeys can fly.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
822. street view is getting a little too googwellian
okay.
i went to google maps.
they have a new feature (or so they call it).
"street view".
it's a detailed image of every address they can get their mitts on.
eventually all addresses.
for example like my old house in scottsdale arizona.
nothin' for nothin' but this is gettin' too googwellian (i.e., orwellian but more googlish).
what possible promising purpose is this property peeping promoting?
not much from what i can see.
even less than twitter, which in my book is bottom drawer usefulness.
on the other hand, it has plenty of promise for those who might want to case a joint without having to leave the comforts of the prison library computer.
now i don't know who is in charge over there at google, but someone needs to stand up and say, enough already! stop it! stop it now!
or at least paste the plea on the in-charge guy's facebook wall.
well fortunately, they haven't done my current address yet.
and since i don't expect the lemmings of googleville to uprise any time soon, i've taken matters into my own hands here at cranelegs pond.
in the spirit of pond fave, henry thoreau, i've mounted a little civil disogooglience.
yessirree bob!
i'm ready for when they parade past my house with their fancy dan photo equipment.
let's just say it'll be a guaranteed full moon no matter what part of day they show up.
i've mounted a life size photo of my ample pale buttocks in every front window with a little message to boot!
more likely detective schmoorswick from the local police.
but i don't care.
civil disogooglience has its costs or it wouldn't be what it is ... um ... well ... civil disogooglience!
and i suggest you all do the same, or if you don't have the guts, drop me a line and i'll send you the image to post proudly on your blog or website.
holy mackerels!
i think that's larry king in my front yard!
man he does look dead.
i better go.
need to powder my pasty butt cheeks in case larry needs some sort of confirmation shot.
oh baby!
death to the sinister googwellian machine!
i went to google maps.
they have a new feature (or so they call it).
"street view".
it's a detailed image of every address they can get their mitts on.
eventually all addresses.
for example like my old house in scottsdale arizona.
nothin' for nothin' but this is gettin' too googwellian (i.e., orwellian but more googlish).
what possible promising purpose is this property peeping promoting?
not much from what i can see.
even less than twitter, which in my book is bottom drawer usefulness.
on the other hand, it has plenty of promise for those who might want to case a joint without having to leave the comforts of the prison library computer.
now i don't know who is in charge over there at google, but someone needs to stand up and say, enough already! stop it! stop it now!
or at least paste the plea on the in-charge guy's facebook wall.
well fortunately, they haven't done my current address yet.
and since i don't expect the lemmings of googleville to uprise any time soon, i've taken matters into my own hands here at cranelegs pond.
in the spirit of pond fave, henry thoreau, i've mounted a little civil disogooglience.
yessirree bob!
i'm ready for when they parade past my house with their fancy dan photo equipment.let's just say it'll be a guaranteed full moon no matter what part of day they show up.
i've mounted a life size photo of my ample pale buttocks in every front window with a little message to boot!
how about them apples?
and let me tell you, the phone has been ringing off the hook ever since.
possibly interview requests from cnn.more likely detective schmoorswick from the local police.
but i don't care.
civil disogooglience has its costs or it wouldn't be what it is ... um ... well ... civil disogooglience!
and i suggest you all do the same, or if you don't have the guts, drop me a line and i'll send you the image to post proudly on your blog or website.
holy mackerels!
i think that's larry king in my front yard!
man he does look dead.
i better go.
need to powder my pasty butt cheeks in case larry needs some sort of confirmation shot.
oh baby!
death to the sinister googwellian machine!
Monday, February 16, 2009
820. andy gets all convalutigated
andy said, i'm jogging again and this time i have a real goal.
benny asked, you have a goal? what is it this time?
andy said, i plan to run every day until i either run a nine minute mile or run ninety days in a row, which ever comes last.
benny said, huh? then you plan to do both?
andy said, yeah.
benny said, then why didn't you just say that.
andy said, but i did.
benny said, i'm not so sure. you said it with all that andy convalutigation.
andy said, with what? is that one of them fancy, made-up, benny words? look, all i figure is that it's a better goal than running ninety days in a row and running a nine minute mile, which ever comes first.
benny said, i plan to either end this conversationalism or stop this talkatation, which ever works most.
andy said, geez, you can be so bluntacious sometimes.
benny asked, you have a goal? what is it this time?
andy said, i plan to run every day until i either run a nine minute mile or run ninety days in a row, which ever comes last.
benny said, huh? then you plan to do both?
andy said, yeah.
benny said, then why didn't you just say that.
andy said, but i did.
benny said, i'm not so sure. you said it with all that andy convalutigation.
andy said, with what? is that one of them fancy, made-up, benny words? look, all i figure is that it's a better goal than running ninety days in a row and running a nine minute mile, which ever comes first.
benny said, i plan to either end this conversationalism or stop this talkatation, which ever works most.
andy said, geez, you can be so bluntacious sometimes.
Friday, February 13, 2009
819. howard stern, how are ye?
i usually don't find much pleasure in being right, but there are certain times when i bask in it because of those involved.
howard stern of sirius xm radio obscurity is such bask worthy fellow.
i don't know why really, but it might have something to do with his hypocritical, unapologetic, self-absorbed ways.
anyway, ever since the almighty one left free radio for the huge contract of pay-for-me radio, i have followed the slow downward spiral of his companies value over the past two years. specifically from over $6 a share to 6 cents just a day or two ago.
that's penny stock range oh flamboyant one.
and now there is bankruptcy in the air.
it doesn't get any lower.
i can just hear the spin and rants from howie now—of course none of this being his fault.
well, actually i can't hear them because i'd have to pay to listen and paying for radio is tantamount to being unamerican in my book.
so i'll have to imagine what he's yapping about.
i do bet it's pretty funny.
he usually is.
oh well, this brings me to the original post that i made back in may, 2007.
173. howard stern
it amuses me that now that howard has the freedom to say anything he wants, anyway he wants to, no one wants to pay to listen.
it's simple and to the point.
and i guess brilliant.
aaahhh ...
let the basking begin.
(okay, so i am flawed, shoot me already.)
howard stern of sirius xm radio obscurity is such bask worthy fellow.
i don't know why really, but it might have something to do with his hypocritical, unapologetic, self-absorbed ways.
anyway, ever since the almighty one left free radio for the huge contract of pay-for-me radio, i have followed the slow downward spiral of his companies value over the past two years. specifically from over $6 a share to 6 cents just a day or two ago.
that's penny stock range oh flamboyant one.
and now there is bankruptcy in the air.
it doesn't get any lower.
i can just hear the spin and rants from howie now—of course none of this being his fault.
well, actually i can't hear them because i'd have to pay to listen and paying for radio is tantamount to being unamerican in my book.
so i'll have to imagine what he's yapping about.
i do bet it's pretty funny.
he usually is.
oh well, this brings me to the original post that i made back in may, 2007.
173. howard stern
it amuses me that now that howard has the freedom to say anything he wants, anyway he wants to, no one wants to pay to listen.
it's simple and to the point.
and i guess brilliant.
aaahhh ...
let the basking begin.
(okay, so i am flawed, shoot me already.)
Thursday, February 12, 2009
818. renewed my subscription
in these tough economic times, i'm left with one subscription i can not cut from the budget.
it was there for me a long time ago, while i sat panting in the dentist's waiting room in anticipation of a cavity to be filled.
and it's there for me now, tackling the tough issues in a no nonsense, simple way.
newsweek? time? vanity fair?
not! not! not!
it is "highlights".
oh, you might remember it as "highlights for childen".
but i had a talk with them a while back.
now it's just "highlights".
goofus and gallant.
hidden pictures.
and timely pieces like: "billy wants boots when mommy gets her stimulus check".
and fortunately i got my order in on time and will receive the bonus winter coat issue.
oh baby!
there are few magazines that i hold more dear.
it was there for me a long time ago, while i sat panting in the dentist's waiting room in anticipation of a cavity to be filled.
and it's there for me now, tackling the tough issues in a no nonsense, simple way.
newsweek? time? vanity fair?
not! not! not!
it is "highlights".
oh, you might remember it as "highlights for childen".
but i had a talk with them a while back.
now it's just "highlights".
goofus and gallant.
hidden pictures.
and timely pieces like: "billy wants boots when mommy gets her stimulus check".
and fortunately i got my order in on time and will receive the bonus winter coat issue.
oh baby!
310. only a mother
ma called me earlier.
she: are you all right?
i: yeah. why?
she: didn’t you hear about those tornadoes?
i: they were in oklahoma, ma. i live sixty minutes from you in new jersey.
she: yeah well you’re always driving the car somewhere. how do i know you’re not in oklahoma?
i: ma, why don’t you call rick? he lives ten miles closer to oklahoma than i do.
she: oh sweet jesus, i better call him.
then she hung with not so much as a good bye.
i thought, i purposely moved second furthest away to avoid such mom matters of catastrophe. flawed logic apparently.
she: are you all right?
i: yeah. why?
she: didn’t you hear about those tornadoes?
i: they were in oklahoma, ma. i live sixty minutes from you in new jersey.
she: yeah well you’re always driving the car somewhere. how do i know you’re not in oklahoma?
i: ma, why don’t you call rick? he lives ten miles closer to oklahoma than i do.
she: oh sweet jesus, i better call him.
then she hung with not so much as a good bye.
i thought, i purposely moved second furthest away to avoid such mom matters of catastrophe. flawed logic apparently.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
521. i need one of those trees
it was stale, winter dreary, as my eyes searched the backyard for some sign of life.
and while there have been many moments when the mosaic of gray leafless branches shattered the passing clouds in a way that soothed my dark uneasiness, today i needed a hint of spring—a taste of fresh earth.
after all, i was sipping on a light, ginseng tea—not a lukewarm cup of day old joe.
how nice would it be to have one tree that always held leaves out proudly, that always stood in grand majesty, that always rendered time, wind, drought and blight harmless.
and that's when it hit me.
i need me one of them verizon cell tower trees.
and i'd always have four bars to boot.
yeah, that would be perfect.
and while there have been many moments when the mosaic of gray leafless branches shattered the passing clouds in a way that soothed my dark uneasiness, today i needed a hint of spring—a taste of fresh earth.
after all, i was sipping on a light, ginseng tea—not a lukewarm cup of day old joe.
how nice would it be to have one tree that always held leaves out proudly, that always stood in grand majesty, that always rendered time, wind, drought and blight harmless.
and that's when it hit me.
i need me one of them verizon cell tower trees.
and i'd always have four bars to boot.
yeah, that would be perfect.
817. two things i don't understand
there are probably a few others but these two are always right at the top of the list.
one is the relationship between the cost of a barrel of crude and the cost of a gallon of gasoline.
can anyone explain that one to me?
i'm all ears.
the other is nancy (dis)grace.
what is her story?
she makes geraldo rivera look like a poster child for the aclu.
she claims to be a victim rights advocate, but i'm beginning to think she means an advocate of the right to make anyone a victim of her dumb accusations.
her exclusive fascination with certain sensational stories is disturbing.
i hope she has travel insurance because she is a train wreck waiting to happen.
one is the relationship between the cost of a barrel of crude and the cost of a gallon of gasoline.
can anyone explain that one to me?
i'm all ears.
the other is nancy (dis)grace.
what is her story?
she makes geraldo rivera look like a poster child for the aclu.
she claims to be a victim rights advocate, but i'm beginning to think she means an advocate of the right to make anyone a victim of her dumb accusations.
her exclusive fascination with certain sensational stories is disturbing.
i hope she has travel insurance because she is a train wreck waiting to happen.
Monday, February 9, 2009
(from the files) 287. tell me i’m adopted
yesterday there was a family college graduation party for my niece.
all my brothers were there.
some of you may have felt a sudden drop in your positive energy flow.
that was us.
when we get together, it’s like we are stuck in eighth grade.
one thing led to another, and before we knew it, we were taking cell phone pictures of us placing a mini-me doll in what i can only describe as compromising puppet situations.
it was at that moment when my son begged me to tell him he was adopted.
i told him i was certain he wasn’t.
he walked away, shoulders drooped, brokenhearted.
i smiled a crooked grin as i thought, it’s only a matter of time before he gives in to the urges that run through his blood, before he embraces his genetic non-skippers, before he comes over to the dark side.
all my brothers were there.
some of you may have felt a sudden drop in your positive energy flow.
that was us.
when we get together, it’s like we are stuck in eighth grade.
one thing led to another, and before we knew it, we were taking cell phone pictures of us placing a mini-me doll in what i can only describe as compromising puppet situations.
it was at that moment when my son begged me to tell him he was adopted.
i told him i was certain he wasn’t.
he walked away, shoulders drooped, brokenhearted.
i smiled a crooked grin as i thought, it’s only a matter of time before he gives in to the urges that run through his blood, before he embraces his genetic non-skippers, before he comes over to the dark side.
260. not too young, not too old
i’m too old to excuse my dumb decisions to youthful inexperience.
i’m too young to dismiss the same as the result of being too fixed in my ways to change now.
so i guess i'm stuck.
boy, i can't wait to see myself through this middle age conundrum.
i’m too young to dismiss the same as the result of being too fixed in my ways to change now.
so i guess i'm stuck.
boy, i can't wait to see myself through this middle age conundrum.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
816. high lesson yield
i feel pretty fortunate.
most of my greatest learnings have emerged from most of my worst mistakes.
now that's what i call a high lesson yield.
most of my greatest learnings have emerged from most of my worst mistakes.
now that's what i call a high lesson yield.
Friday, February 6, 2009
814. poor nadya suleman, eight is not enough
nadya suleman, the 33-year-old southern california woman, who gave birth to the octuplets last week, has been publicly ridiculed because she is single, unemployed and already had six children.
so i guess had she been married, employed, and without any children, then loading up her womb with six fertilized eggs (two split), would have been all right, and the resulting births a national treasure.
instead she finds herself with fifteen minutes of defame.
sad really.
and in the end it's us really, and our fickle rules of what's in and what's out.
i mean, how was she to know that she would be disqualified and that eight is not enough.
so i guess had she been married, employed, and without any children, then loading up her womb with six fertilized eggs (two split), would have been all right, and the resulting births a national treasure.
instead she finds herself with fifteen minutes of defame.
sad really.
and in the end it's us really, and our fickle rules of what's in and what's out.
i mean, how was she to know that she would be disqualified and that eight is not enough.
51. the foul mood episode
one day, no matter what i did, i couldn't get keaton to laugh.
i finally asked, what's up?
she said, i'm just in a foul mood.
so i began quacking.
then she hit me unconscious with a frozen pork chop, her preferred manstake correction device.
i finally asked, what's up?
she said, i'm just in a foul mood.
so i began quacking.
then she hit me unconscious with a frozen pork chop, her preferred manstake correction device.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
812. bale out
christian bale needs a new first name, cause there's nothin' christian about him.
he should be named o'reilly bale, after his mentor bill o'reilly.
after all, who else could have taught him the importance of irate self importance.
or maybe mckenroe bale, cause who else could have taught him the importance of irrational anger.
or possibly knight bale—it has that british flair, yet that american a-hole coach of the century ring to it.
unfortunately, i suspect it won't matter, because he's apparently an idiot.
he's so over.
and hopefully, someone else with a little more humility will play his future roles that pay so much money and fame, and require just a little gratefulness.
mr. bale, get a different first name!
i'm beggin' ya!
he should be named o'reilly bale, after his mentor bill o'reilly.
after all, who else could have taught him the importance of irate self importance.
or maybe mckenroe bale, cause who else could have taught him the importance of irrational anger.
or possibly knight bale—it has that british flair, yet that american a-hole coach of the century ring to it.
unfortunately, i suspect it won't matter, because he's apparently an idiot.
he's so over.
and hopefully, someone else with a little more humility will play his future roles that pay so much money and fame, and require just a little gratefulness.
mr. bale, get a different first name!
i'm beggin' ya!
811. the economic platypus
everyone talks like they know how to stimulate the economy. that's easy when any real accountability is replaced by political agenda.
well i for one have absolutely no understanding of what this thing is we call an economic system.
it appears to be no system at all.
or better yet, the glomming together of many disperse systems—along the lines of a platypus.
yeah, i think that's more like it.
we're dealing with an economic platypus. and you tell me! what's going to stimulate that?
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