A Tribute to JD Salinger

Since I'm going to be hiating for a bit, I want to leave what is my personal favorite piece. It's an impersonation of Holden Caulfield telling a true story of my first introduction to "The Catcher in the Rye". All I can say is that as it turned out, Mrs. Shangle was right.

Click on this link to read: A Tribute to JD Salinger

stuff

i've been remiss lately.
i'm not sure i can do this much more.
life's like that.
twists.
turns.
and stuff.

bye bye dunny bradmore

so i met with my life coach, dunny bradmore, yesterday.
i've decided i'm going to stop seeing him.
not because my life is now stellar or anything like that.
it's because the car ride is just too long.
i have to go all the way down to trenton state prison, and there is the whole security thing, and the waiting around.
ya see, dunny is doing time for littering of all things.
well, littering an alley full of dismembered bodies and what not.
oh, he's something, that dunny is.

i mean, don't get me wrong, he's worth every carton of cigarettes i pay him.
now, that's not to say i could do without the plexiglas barrier and tinny phones we have to use, because those depress me to no end.
they really do.
but even so, he's a good listener and always has some thought-provoking doozey to say at the end of our session.
well, just like yesterday for instance, when he told me it's not enough to get my life on track, that i need to start to think about being the best dead person i can be.
he recommended i consider getting a death coach and that he knew one from riker's that might be perfect for me.

when ya really think about it, there is a lot to be said about being the best dead person one can be.
a lot.
there really is.
i sure do know a lot of people who are going to be just terrible dead people.
charlie sheen and zsa zsa gabor immediately comes to mind.
yeah, i want go out, and stay out, real dignified like.
i want to have a fully realized afterlife.
it just strikes a chord with me.

not that i'm in a hurry for chrissakes because i'm not at all.
and that's the truth for sure.
in fact, i'd like to get this living stuff down first before i tackle being a good corpse for crying out loud.
to be honest, it only makes sense to think about it that way, which is why life coaching comes in handy.
without it, i'd have this all out of kilter.

even so, dunny says i need to set time aside for death coaching.
he admits that being a life coach and given his propensity to dismember folks and all, he isn't up to speed on what death coaching entails.
he jokingly likes to say the devil is in the body parts.
he sure can be a pip when he wants to be.
regardless of being a pip, he is serious about this coaching advice of his.

well, old dunny there sure has me thinking about it anyway.
gonna miss our sessions.
don't have the heart or compassion to tell him i'm not coming back.
i figure it might just make him stark raving mad when he sits there waiting for me and i don't show up.
but i'm betting on the fact he never gets out to pay me a little visit, so, i'm feeling okay about not telling him.
the truth is, i don't much care for conflict, and telling dunny our seesions are over would create plenty.
i know it's not very nice on my part to think that way, even quite shallow, and i don't feel particularly good about myself right this moment, which is why i probably need more life coaching for sure.

yeah, i need more.
maybe a few years worth minimum.
most likely the better part of the decade.
then i'll find myself a death coach.
i wonder if it's covered in the new healthcare bill.
that would be terrific.

oh well.
boy, i'm gonna miss dunny.
that's the goddam truth, that is.

special k high jinks

i was at wegmans recently.
they have everything.
so i asked the stock guy in the cereal section, do you have regular k?
he asked, you mean special k?
i said, no, i'm not feeling so special these days. i'll go with the regular k, if you don't mind.
so he said, gee ... never heard of it.
i said, it's just not as popular because everyone wants to be special these days.
he said, i see. yeah, you're right.
i asked, could you check in the back? you guys have everything in the back.
he said, "everything" is our middle name sir. i'll check.
and off he went.
then i scampered out the store licketty split.
it's the sophisticated version of ringing the doorbell and hiding in a garbage can.
and when i got back to the car benny and andy yelled, did ya do it? did ya?
then i said, yeah! i'm getting tinkle drops! let's get out of here before they nab us!
and we laughed our heads off something silly as we raced through the parking lot at probably 6 miles an hour.!
or faster!

ramblin' man

warning, this is gonna ramble.
so i've been a little recalcitrant, except  i’m not sure what that means but i like the sound of it.
maybe better yet, i’ve been preoccupied, except i don’t like that word—it sounds like i’m a country already in defilement before being subjugated by someone else.
look, i’ve been missing in action, not my normal, sunny-side over self.
there are a bunch of reasons, none of them much good on their own merit, but when put all together, are quite compelling.

the bottom line, it’s been slow around the pond lately.
the truth is, i’m going back into corporate lockdown, apparently i’ve broken my parole.
it’s a good thing though.
nah, that’s me just being all upbeat.
not that it’s a bad thing, cause it isn’t.
it’s so-so.
but right now so-so is good.
i’ll leave it at that.

there’s other stuff going on too.
no, not between keaton, my mermaid in training, and me, her reluctant swashbuckler in shambles.
it’s mostly stuff between the ears, making it difficult to be funny, as exemplified by this post.

well, this is certainly nebulous, except i think that is a type of cloud.

okay, how about this?
i have a new email process:: i give you an email address and you write me something nicey-nice.
don’t be afraid to try it out.
i even send you an automatic, vintage bob, wise guy thank you for all your efforts.

boy, i sure can say a lot of nothing when i put my mind to it.
oh well, i warned you.