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Wednesday, August 3, 2011

bye bye dunny bradmore

so i met with my life coach, dunny bradmore, yesterday.
i've decided i'm going to stop seeing him.
not because my life is now stellar or anything like that.
it's because the car ride is just too long.
i have to go all the way down to trenton state prison, and there is the whole security thing, and the waiting around.
ya see, dunny is doing time for littering of all things.
well, littering an alley full of dismembered bodies and what not.
oh, he's something, that dunny is.

i mean, don't get me wrong, he's worth every carton of cigarettes i pay him.
now, that's not to say i could do without the plexiglas barrier and tinny phones we have to use, because those depress me to no end.
they really do.
but even so, he's a good listener and always has some thought-provoking doozey to say at the end of our session.
well, just like yesterday for instance, when he told me it's not enough to get my life on track, that i need to start to think about being the best dead person i can be.
he recommended i consider getting a death coach and that he knew one from riker's that might be perfect for me.

when ya really think about it, there is a lot to be said about being the best dead person one can be.
a lot.
there really is.
i sure do know a lot of people who are going to be just terrible dead people.
charlie sheen and zsa zsa gabor immediately comes to mind.
yeah, i want go out, and stay out, real dignified like.
i want to have a fully realized afterlife.
it just strikes a chord with me.

not that i'm in a hurry for chrissakes because i'm not at all.
and that's the truth for sure.
in fact, i'd like to get this living stuff down first before i tackle being a good corpse for crying out loud.
to be honest, it only makes sense to think about it that way, which is why life coaching comes in handy.
without it, i'd have this all out of kilter.

even so, dunny says i need to set time aside for death coaching.
he admits that being a life coach and given his propensity to dismember folks and all, he isn't up to speed on what death coaching entails.
he jokingly likes to say the devil is in the body parts.
he sure can be a pip when he wants to be.
regardless of being a pip, he is serious about this coaching advice of his.

well, old dunny there sure has me thinking about it anyway.
gonna miss our sessions.
don't have the heart or compassion to tell him i'm not coming back.
i figure it might just make him stark raving mad when he sits there waiting for me and i don't show up.
but i'm betting on the fact he never gets out to pay me a little visit, so, i'm feeling okay about not telling him.
the truth is, i don't much care for conflict, and telling dunny our seesions are over would create plenty.
i know it's not very nice on my part to think that way, even quite shallow, and i don't feel particularly good about myself right this moment, which is why i probably need more life coaching for sure.

yeah, i need more.
maybe a few years worth minimum.
most likely the better part of the decade.
then i'll find myself a death coach.
i wonder if it's covered in the new healthcare bill.
that would be terrific.

oh well.
boy, i'm gonna miss dunny.
that's the goddam truth, that is.


Pamela Beers. said...

As a trained grief facilitator, I think you'll come back as a merman. Then you and Keaton can swim the oceans of the world in magnificent splendor.

itsmecissy said...

"death coach" maybe that's the same thing as Bachman's & Palin's made up death panels . . .

You gotta start LIVING bob!