"if it's good news, it must be someone else's"

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Rat Rizzo (meeting two): Follow the Cheese (transcript)

me: Rizzo? You there?
Rizzo: Yeah, I'm under your car. Give me a sec.
me: Sure thing.
me: Hey, is that the Pulaski Skyway above us?
Rizzo: Yeah, I do a lotta business down here. It's remote but noisy. Nothin' but trucks and marshes. Hard spot to wire & nice place to dump a body or two, if you know what I mean.
me: There you are. Looks like your hat got a little creased and your trench coat is a mess.
Rizzo: Yeah, I hate the undercarriage of these Honda Accords. Tighter than a clams ass.
me: Ya mean you were under there the whole time?
Rizzo: Yeah, I hitched a ride incognito ya might say. A rat cant be too careful these days.
me: Man you are some sort of rodent.
Rizzo: Look, ya done with the small talk? I've got things to do.
me: Sure. So tell me about this Mars Rat.
Rizzo: Mars Rat! Makes me laugh. Have ya taken a close look at that picture?
me: yeah.
Rizzo: Notice anything odd?
me: No, just that I think I recognize the rat.
Rizzo: No dumb f&*k. I'm talking about what's not in the picture.
me: Martians?
Rizzo: What?
me: Martians. There are no Martians.
Rizzo: Holy shit kid you're stupid. Of course there aren't no Martians because there ain't no Martians.
me: Rat traps? There aren't any rat traps.
Rizzo: Holy f*&k. You're thicker than tar in winter.
me: What is it then?
Rizzo: Where's the cheese? It's not the moon. It's Mars. There is no cheese on Mars. Just rocky shit and the occasional, unexplainable canal.
me: Holy smokes ... yeah. It's not the moon. There's no cheese.
Rizzo: And ya know what they say: "Where there's no cheese, there's no smoke".
me: I think that's "where there's smoke, there's fire." See? Smoke. Fire.
Rizzo: Ya know what I see, a goddam dumb use of two perfectly good legs. That's what I see.
Rizzo: Hey! Who's there!
(pause; noises; scampering)
me: Rizzo! Where are you?
me: Ya can't leave! I don't know what to do?
voice (faded): Follow the cheese!
me: Follow the cheese?
voice: Follow the cheese!
me: What cheese? There is no cheese!
voice: EXACTLY dumbshit!
(rapid little steps)
me: Okay Rizzo!
me: I gotta get outta here. This place give me the creeps.
(snapping, clicking sound)
me: what the fah...



Randy Johnson said...

Why is nobody in jail yet? And why can't I find anything about this in CNN? I don't like cover-ups, and this smells like a cover-up... or is that just rotten cheese I smell?

itsmecissy said...

HEY, bob is back? How come nobody told me? Guess I'll have to get on the stick myself, retired life is so busy!!!

Bob, did you hear the latest about your favorite person, Kevin Trudeau? http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/business/2013/05/kevin-trudeau-chasing-the-dream-seller/