@RealMarsRat). Trying to parlay this little photo op into some sort of overnight sensation.
Have been ever since I first saw the image. You see, I think I've seen that rat around and that makes this all a bit fishy in my book. So I tweeted the two bit con-rat to let him know something wasn't adding up and that I was watching him.
And that's when I got the message. A private message from an anonymous source saying he wanted to talk to me, that he had information I might find very interesting about our little Mars Rat. He wanted a meeting. I was to follow his instructions. I did. Here is the transcript from a recording I made of our first encounter.
me: Anyone here? It's Cranelegs? Me? You know, the Mars Rat guy? Anyone here?
(one minute passed)
me: Okay, I get it! Very funny. Always the fool. Hope you had a good laugh.
voice: Were ya followed?
me: Holy Sh*t! Ya scared the f%&k out of me.
voice: Yeah, well I had to be sure they didn't put a shadow on you.
voice: Never you mind who. I'll get to that later.
me: Man, ya gave me a good case of the jitters. Listen, can you at least step out from that horse stall so I know what I'm dealing with here?
voice: Sure. There. That better?
me: Yeah. Hey, nice trench coat and fedora. Ya know, for a rat and all.
voice: Yeah, thanks. Whatever. Gotta light?
me: No I don't. Besides you shouldn't smoke. Not good for you.
voice: Picked it up in a test lab. They got me up to a pack a day. Haven't been able to kick it since.
me: Test lab?
voice: Yeah, did three weeks before I broke out. But enough about that. Are you interested in what I've got to say or not?
me: Sure, sure. But first, ya gotta name? I mean, ya gotta have a name.
voice: Not any name I want you to know. So call me Rizzo.
me: Like the guy in the movie?
Rizzo: Yeah, like the f&*ckin' guy in the movie. Now can we move on? Don't have much time.
me: Yeah, yeah ... move on. So what's the dope on this Mars Rat?
Rizzo: Hold it there big boy! It's not that easy. You're gonna need to work at it. Ya understand?
me: But he's just a rat ... like you.
Rizzo: "just a rat, like me", geez. Didn't go to charm school did ya kid?
me: I'm just sayin'
Rizzo: You're just sayin'. Boy I picked a winner, I did. Listen, these rats play hardball. Understand? I know. I know because Mr. Mars there and I used to be what ya might call, wise rats. Punks. A couple of rodent thugs with a real penchant for trouble.
Rizzo: That is, until the rat bastard double crossed me. That's how I ended up in the test lab. So ya see, I know. In fact, I know things that'd make your stomach turn like yo-yo filled with puke. Capiche?
me: Geez Rizzo. Sorry.
Rizzo: Don't be sorry. What are ya? A smart-smellin' dame for chrissakes? Just listen and do your job.
me: Yeah, do my job.
me: What job?
Rizzo: Bringing this clown down! That job.
Rizzo: Oh man, this is a mistake. What am I doin' with this loser.
me: No wait! I'm up to it. I swear. I'll do it.
Rizzo: Okay. Okay then. Good. That's good.
Rizzo: Look, I gotta run. Just wanted to make sure you're up to it before I start. Listen, I'll send you directions to our next little talk. In the meantime, brush up on Google. You're gonna need it. Gotta a smart phone?
Rizzo: Good. I'll find ya.
me: Hey! Who's there?!?
me: Guess no one.
me: Rizzo? Are you there? Rizzo? Where are you?
(brushing up on Google;
waiting for next meeting)