"if it's good news, it must be someone else's"

Friday, June 7, 2013

All the Mars Rat's Mice

You may have heard about the rat sighting on Mars by the Mars rover (see photo). Well, this so-called Mars rat has gone all a Twitter (@RealMarsRat). Trying to parlay this little photo op into some sort of overnight sensation.

I'm suspicious.

Have been ever since I first saw the image. You see, I think I've seen that rat around and that makes this all a bit fishy in my book. So I tweeted the two bit con-rat to let him know something wasn't adding up and that I was watching him.

And that's when I got the message. A private message from an anonymous source saying he wanted to talk to me, that he had information I might find very interesting about our little Mars Rat. He wanted a meeting. I was to follow his instructions. I did. Here is the transcript from a recording I made of our first encounter.

Drizzle. Wind.
me: Anyone here? It's Cranelegs? Me? You know, the Mars Rat guy? Anyone here?
(one minute passed)
me: Okay, I get it! Very funny. Always the fool. Hope you had a good laugh.
voice: Were ya followed?
me: Holy Sh*t! Ya scared the f%&k out of me.
voice: Yeah, well I had to be sure they didn't put a shadow on you.
me: Who?
voice: Never you mind who. I'll get to that later.
me: Man, ya gave me a good case of the jitters. Listen, can you at least step out from that horse stall so I know what I'm dealing with here?
voice: Sure. There. That better?
me: Yeah. Hey, nice trench coat and fedora. Ya know, for a rat and all.
voice: Yeah, thanks. Whatever. Gotta light?
me: No I don't. Besides you shouldn't smoke. Not good for you.
voice: Picked it up in a test lab. They got me up to a pack a day. Haven't been able to kick it since.
me: Test lab?
voice: Yeah, did three weeks before I broke out. But enough about that. Are you interested in what I've got to say or not?
me: Sure, sure. But first, ya gotta name? I mean, ya gotta have a name.
voice: Not any name I want you to know. So call me Rizzo.
me: Like the guy in the movie?
Rizzo: Yeah, like the f&*ckin' guy in the movie. Now can we move on? Don't have much time.
me: Yeah, yeah ... move on. So what's the dope on this Mars Rat?
Rizzo: Hold it there big boy! It's not that easy. You're gonna need to work at it. Ya understand?
me: But he's just a rat ... like you.
Rizzo: "just a rat, like me", geez. Didn't go to charm school did ya kid?
me: I'm just sayin'
Rizzo: You're just sayin'. Boy I picked a winner, I did. Listen, these rats play hardball. Understand? I know. I know because Mr. Mars there and I used to be what ya might call, wise rats. Punks. A couple of rodent thugs with a real penchant for trouble.
Rizzo: That is, until the rat bastard double crossed me. That's how I ended up in the test lab. So ya see, I know. In fact, I know things that'd make your stomach turn like yo-yo filled with puke. Capiche?
me: Geez Rizzo. Sorry.
Rizzo: Don't be sorry. What are ya? A smart-smellin' dame for chrissakes? Just listen and do your job.
me: Yeah, do my job.
me: What job?
Rizzo: Bringing this clown down! That job.
Rizzo: Oh man, this is a mistake. What am I doin' with this loser.
me: No wait! I'm up to it. I swear. I'll do it.
Rizzo: Okay. Okay then. Good. That's good.
Rizzo: Look, I gotta run. Just wanted to make sure you're up to it before I start. Listen, I'll send you directions to our next little talk. In the meantime, brush up on Google. You're gonna need it. Gotta a smart phone?
me: Yeah.
Rizzo: Good. I'll find ya.
me: Hey! Who's there?!?
me: Guess no one.
me: Rizzo? Are you there? Rizzo? Where are you?

(brushing up on Google;
waiting for next meeting)


Pam Beers. said...

Yippee! You've finally surfaced. We all miss you.

Pam Beers. said...

BTW: I was gonna tell ya you have some spelling errors in "IT'S BEEN A YEAR NOW" then I realized the "e" key sticks. HA!

lightly said...

there are no rats on mars, they were all sent to earth to be politicians

Pam Beers. said...

Great line, lightly. and oh so true.

itsmecissy said...

The gangs' all here!