985. Newsweek needs a name change

(from the files) 181. aroma therapy

keaton said, you know we could use a little aroma therapy around here.
i figured she was talking about me being stinky.
so i took it upon myself to sneak off, take a bubble bath, and use some of that fruity soap—something i have only considered doing under duress, like torture or something.
when i came downstairs, she had ignited a boatload of smelly candles, i guess to mask my man stink. so i blew them out.
she asked, what are you doing?
i said, you don’t need them, i applied some bubbles and fruity soap therapy to my aroma.
she said, i was trying to mask the burnt garlic on the stove top from dinner.
i said, yeah, i knew that. and now i plan to stand here smelling of fruits until the stink is gone. how about them apples?
she shook her head and left.
and as she disappeared into the hallway, i yelled sarcastically, you’re welcome!
then, as i leaned against the stove top, i thought, maybe she is just shocked by my sacrificing ways and doesn't know how to express her gratitude.

357. groovy

i was driving in the car recently with my son when someone on npr said, that’s groovy.
i got the heebee jeebees.
it is the one word from my generation that diminishes any language high road i can possibly try to take with my son’s generation.
it is far worse than “far out” or “peace man”.
and we can’t get rid of it fast enough in my book, including that dumb song by simon and garfunkel.
so i glanced over at my son to see if he heard it.
he was smirking but he always smirks at npr talk.

i asked, did you hear that?
he said, hear what? i never understand what they’re talking about on this station.
i said, good. good. keep it that way.

i had dodged a baby boomer bullet.
i could continue on with my lectures of the good old days—something i had mastered from my parents, as they from theirs.

109. job interview hint 2

it’s always a smart move to never use the "f", "b", or "c" words during a job interview unless encouraged to do so by the interviewer, and even then it is recommended that you use restraint, especially on that "c" one.

176. blogging with tourettes

the other day—facken dock mucker—my dog ran—betch betch betch—down the—whoo whoo blatmecot ...

(i hate when my—jast me knob—blogger's tourettes kicks in)