"if it's good news, it must be someone else's"

Thursday, June 3, 2010

(from the files) 773. those french!

well i did it anyway!
against all warnings from benny and andy not to.
i mean, come on, this nonsense about the french hating us and all.
it's just a bunch of ... well ... horsepucky if i may.

so i set my gps system to the sexy french woman, julienne.

what the heck.
i knew where i was going.
i had a week of french in high school.
besides, i could pretend what it might be like to be married to a french woman, giving me all those directions in that sexy french language.
might even make the whole driving experience more tolerable.

well, let me tell ya something.

those french hate us for sure.
i couldn't believe it.
i'm not five feet from the house when she starts in on me, making up directions that loosely translated to, "turn 100 meters ahead at the camel tongue and put your finger in the nut jar."
and when i don't turn in a hundred meters, she starts screaming, "tournez-vous baisant l'idiot américain!" (rough translation, "turn you f%cking american idiot!")
i'm like yelling back, "no way! ya piece of poodle pooh-pay!"
next thing ya know we're screaming at each other real good until i can't take it no more and pull over and toss her out the door and tell her she can walk her french butt home, that is if she had any legs, the freakin' legless piece of gps!

what's up with that?
they have a real bug up their maps.

and nothin' for nothin' but as it turns out, keaton's way sexier anyway—even when she's sleeping with her head against the passenger window, drooling a river!
even then mind you!


itsmecissy said...

My husband has the Australian voice, he calls her Sheila (yeah, really original I know). Anyway, it's totally annoying for me to have to sit there and listen to her butcher the english language the way she does. She can't even say the word "ramp." It comes out something like "raimmmp." Why it annoys me so much, I haven't a clue.

My gps is named "Olive" and speaks perfectly annunciated english. Of course.

Randy Johnson said...

My GPS must be outdated. I don’t even have an English speaking French girl in the lineup, but I’m holding out for a blonde Swedish bikini model, which at last check was still unavailable. Itsmecissy: I know what you mean about those Aussie girls. I gave Sheila’s sister Karen a ride in my truck for about a week and every time she said “ramp” I said “what?” and then I could see it in my rear view mirror ...the “raimmmp.” However, since my first dashboard sweetheart Samantha was still bitter about being left for Karen I couldn’t ask her for directions, so I circled the block a few times, and then suddenly ...there she was standing on the corner looking coy. I pulled up and rolled my window part way down. She leaned up against the door, pressed her big soft sexy British accents right up against the glass, and said “’ey big chap, if yer lewkin fer some directions, A’m yer bird. Me name’s Serena.”

Robert Crane said...

you guys area couple of nut jobs and i mean that in only the best of ways.