Vegetable Magnetism

Keaton said, "I have a crush on Ralph Fiennes. He's so dreamy."
I said, "Who?"
Keaton said, "Ralph Fiennes. He's an international movie star."
I said, "You mean, that Constant Gardener chap?"
Keaton said, "Bingo!"
I asked, "What does that mean really? That you have a crush on him?"
Keaton said, "Can't explain it. It's like pure animal attraction."
I asked, "Do you have a crush on me?"
She chuckled, then she said, "You're different."
I asked, "How so?"
She said, "Well, for one, I look at you as a long term project, requiring more than just a jump the bones sort of affair."
I said, "I see."
Keaton said, "Besides, I think of him as just a good looking piece of meat."
Then I said, "Well what do you think of me?"
Keaton said, "I think of you as a vegetable mostly and coming from a vegan, that's steaming."
I said, "Well as long as I'm not Brussels sprouts, I guess that's okay."
Keaton said, "Oh you're a hot cauldron of cauliflower honey."
I said, "Okay, that sounds pretty good."
And then I whipped off my clothes exposing all my cauliflower for her to behold.
Startled, Keaton asked, "What are you doing?"
I replied, "Revealing my vegetable magnetism."
Then she said, "Why don't you leave the magnetism to animals?"
I shrugged, "Fine."
And she said, "That would be Fiennes!"