"if it's good news, it must be someone else's"

Friday, July 9, 2010

guns and god, and does god know about this?

i saw another bumper sticker in what is becoming a more alarmingly ardent declaration of hijacked patriotism.
it went something like this:
give me my guns, god and money!
you can keep the "change"!

okay, it's a clever little play on the word, "change".
i get it.
but when did it become fashionable to join guns and god in patriotic nuptials?
i can't think of a more odd couple.
okay maybe glenn beck and keith olbermann, although i'm pretty sure keith's not gay—wait, what am i saying, that would make it really odd.

anyway, where was i?
oh yeah, guns and god.
look, if you want to have guns, go have them but don't think for a second that any god worth his/her godliness is a fan of the gun.
in all the pictures i've ever seen of god, i never once saw him (or her) packing so much as a sling shot.
just cotton robes (always neatly pressed i might add).
so i don't know what god these folks are talking about.

here is another way to look at it for those tea party smarties who are smirking right now, saying, "ha, ha, ha. there are no pictures of god you stupid socialist satan lovin piece of french dogga poopay."
to them i say, guns have one purpose: to assist humans who want to kill.
i know.
if i hear one more time, "guns don't kill, people do", i think i'll shoot myself in the ear.
so guns don't kill.
but what is the death-tool of choice for people who do?
a lincoln log?
a small rodent?
a tongue lashing?

they use a gun!

and what commandment did god have moses write in stone?
do not eat with your mouth open?
put the seat down?
never end a sentence with a preposition?
not sure! but "no" for this purpose.

thou shall not kill!

so if thou shall not kill, then what shall thou not own?
a pair of larry king suspenders?
any book written by ann coulter?
well maybe yes! but not for this reason.
season tickets to the cleveland cavaliers?

a gun! thou shall not own a gun!

now i have it on good sources that god originally asked moses to write, "thou shall not own a gun", but an argument ensued because moses didn't understand what god was talking about, and quite honestly thought heavy drinking of holy spirits might have been involved.
god, being pressed for time and moses not being so quick with the chisel, said, fine just carve "thou shall not kill" and be done with it.
moses obliged and here we are today.

guns and god!

does god even know about this?
i have good reason to believe not, because if he/she did, i'm sure there'd be holy hell to pay.
which indicates to me something else must be going terribly wrong far far away that has all his/her attention.
well whatever it is, i sure do hope he/she straightens it out licketty split and gets back to "amend the ten", because some people around here are hijacking common sense with uncommon nonsense.

and that's all i have to say about that fly in the ointment.


lightly said...

let me learn you something smarty pants, the reason god don't carry no gun is because his army can kick your ass without one.
now you say god don't have no army, yes he does, they called angels and in the pictures you see they don't actually have guns, but they have always had weapons, the angel with a black robe i think we call him death carries one mean looking knife.

not sure myself but me thinks moses was smoking some good stuff on the mountain.
you need to really be smoking the strong stuff to come up with some of that crap.
hell i don't what he was smoking but his people were on it as well because they believed the stuff he wrote

"yes i know bob, the religious nuts are going to be on my case for this one"

Robert Crane said...

uh oh ... i think a little prayer is in order.