i look at life much like the making of an old disney cartoon.
everyday is the slow, tedious process of drawing a single cel.
take one out of the pile and all you really have is a still of life in motion.
no telling what to make of it.
but fan them in sequence like an old penny arcade motion movie viewer and you can playback a life in stunning speed.
well, i do anyway.
not often mind you but i do just the same.
and when i do, i see the changes with clarity.
i also see something else.
my grandmother, other than introducing me to coffee by the age of four, was for the most part the moral guardrail on the road i travelled.
that is until she succumbed to alzheimers in her final years, retreating back to her childhood where she felt safe and tucked in from the familiar strangers surrounding her daily.
it was hard.
i mean a frightened young girl is one thing, but when she is entombed in the body of a fully lived ninety year old, it is quite another.
with her slow departure, so too my guardrails.
and when my mind plays back my life like an old disney cartoon, it's obvious when and how far i have driven the car off the road, only it isn't quite as funny as when goofy does it.
but i've been trying for a while now.
really trying to find my way back while i'm still able to make these damn cels.
and there are moments along the way, like today for instance, when i realize for absolutely no reason that comes to mind just how much i miss her sometimes.