"if it's good news, it must be someone else's"

Friday, July 24, 2009

929. the gates 911 call transcript

a cranelegs pond exclusive.
we've obtained the transcript of the 911 call to cambridge police regarding the gates break-in.

operator: emergency response center, your name and location please.
caller: please hurry there are two men trying to break into my neighbor's house, and you wouldn't be wrong if you guessed they were black but you didn't hear that from me.
operator: your name and the address of the premises please.
caller gives info.
operator issues alert to police.
operator: can you tell me what is going on now?
caller: well there are two men, let's just say opposite of no color, and they are pounding on the front door.
operator: can you describe them?
caller: one is kinda dressed like a chauffer. ya know in a black suit with one of those driver caps.
operator: is he carrying anything?
caller: yes. it looks like a suitcase, probably to stuff bodies or a safe in. please hurry!
operator: got it! what about the other intruder?
caller: he's a small man with short gray thin hair. actually he looks kind of like yoda.
operator: yoda?
caller: you know the jedi knight, the little one. he even walks just like him with the same cane. probably knows death pressure points and can levitate oprah if he had to. where are the police?
operator: they are on the way. what's yoda wearing?
caller: a really bad stripped polo shirt, purple no less, with gray slacks and dark shoes of some sort. if i didn't know any better, i'd say he looks like he just came from an "americans of color for palin" croquet outing. hold on! what's he up to?
operator: what?
caller: oh no! yoda is slowly gimping his way to the back of the house. please hurry! he might be making a slow speed run for it, like that oj fella!
operator: calm down. the police should be arriving shortly. do you know whose house it is?
caller: just a neighbor. never met him. i heard he is a harvard professor. pretty sure he has an older butler of color that frequents often. other than that, don't know anything else. we keep to ourselves around here. wait! the front door is opening. holy cow! it's yoda! he's letting in his accomplice with the bags. oh this is bad! please hurry before they rob the place blind!!!
operator: remain calm. the police should be arriving any moment. are there any vehicles parked outside?
caller: yes there is a limo in the driveway.
operator: limo?
caller: yes, a limo, the trunk is open and the motor is running for a quick getaway.
operator: got it.
caller: oh thank god! the police just arrived. i hope they're careful, those guys in there, who others would say are not white, looked like tough customers. who knows what kind of jedi shenanigans they know.
operator: okay ma'am. please remain there until the police have cleared the area. they will need to talk to you. and thank you for being our eyes and ears.
caller: no problem. just doing my civic duty.
operator: if there were more people like you ma'am, we'd all be a lot more safe. thanks again and you enjoy the rest of this beautiful, sunny afternoon.
caller: may the force be with you.


cherryl252 was here said...

hilarious. on point too with the yoda bit.


Robert "Cranelegs" Crane said...

thanks cherry for stopping by and commenting!