i said, so keaton our guest from zimbabwe is gone, the two dogs we were watching are returned, without injury i might add, and we're done with the graduation party. let's relax and watch something on tv together.
keaton said, but there is nothing on.
i said, how can that be. there are like 562 channels. something must be on.
keaton said, nothing i'm interested in.
i said, when we were growing up and there were like only seven channels, and one was that pbs channel 13 for god's sake, we couldn't make up our minds what to watch. it was like, "i'll take potpourri for $100 art!". now you are telling me there is nothing on. what about "seinfeld"? that's gotta be on one of the channels.
she said, nah, not in the mood. besides, we've seen every episode a million times.
i said, how about "deal or no deal". that's always fun when the banker offers them like $52 dollars because they just blew everything.
she said, i get no joy from that. no.
i asked cautiously, mets baseball?
she just stared at me with those frozen porkchop eyes.
i said, okay, how about mtv, they always have something whacked out.
she said, i thought we banned that channel.
i said, yeah, i guess.
i pondered some more.
i said, i know, how about the discovery channel? they're always good for a pack of hyenas taking down a wildebeest. it'll get us back to nature. what do ya say?
she said, it makes me cry when the wildebeest baby is orphaned.
i said, okay, there must be an old movie we can watch?
she said, no, i'm too tired for something like that.
i said, i got it. the food channel?
she said, no way. i'm feeling bloated.
i said, oh, don't let some passing bloat get ya down. come on! what do ya say? a little iron chef action?
she said, no. not tonight.
i thought some more.
i asked, keith olbermann?
she said, he's growing stale.
i said, i know. hannity! we can hate him together. it can be a bondage experience.
she said, bonding.
i said, whatever!
she said, not in the mood.
i asked, for bondage?
she said, bonding! bonding!
i said, whatever.
she said, i really can't stand him.
now by this point i was having a tough go of it.
so i decided to play my trump card.
i said, i've got it! forget tv. i'll play my guitar and sing.
she snapped, okay! okay! okay! let's watch that "real housewives of new jersey" idiocy.
she paused a moment.
then she said, god i can't believe i'm suggesting this.
i said, excellent. i really hope danielle clears up her little spats with jaqcueline and dina. plus i'm dying to find out why caroline dissed danielle so much at the reunion. this will be great.
keaton said, you are scary. you seem to know a little too much about that dumb show. are you watching it during the day while i'm at work! is that what you are doing?
i said, no! i hear things. that's all.
keaton mumbled, you hear things. that's all. i'll hear ya.
and with that i quickly turned the tv on to channel 325 for a little jersey reality, as i had just pulled a rabbit out of the hat—i wouldn't have to risk watching the rerun the next day to catch up.