"if it's good news, it must be someone else's"

Saturday, April 2, 2011

(from the files) saved by easter

[i have spent the better part of a few days recently trying to upgrade my parents pc situation with some old pc's i have sitting around. they were using a 12 year old pc powered by windows 98. pc's aren't like Scotch. they don't age particularly well. in my parents case, it was when solitaire failed to work that i got the calls and decided they needed an 8 year boost to their internet world. so i obliged. It wasn't pretty. it never is. i found this 2 year old post that explains quite nicely. in addition, it's getting close to easter so it just seemed appropriate to replay it. By the way, the website mentioned never got out of the planning stages.]

(from a recent call into the bob pc help line from my mom)

mom: i want to see your brother's new web—
me: it's a blog.
mom: he said it was a website.
me: he would. it's just a blog that looks like a website. i created it to give him an idea of what his new website might look like.
mom: is there some kind of difference?
me: not really.
mom: then who cares what it is?
me: okay, you're right. so what's up?
mom: well before i was interrupted for something that no one cares about, i was going to get to that.
me: sorry ma. get to what?
mom: the problem is i don't know how to get to it.
me: get to what?
mom: your brother's webblog site or whatever it is.
me: no problem.
mom: great. i have a pencil and pad right here. so what do i do?
me: why don't you get on the computer and we'll do it in real time.
mom: real time?
me: yeah at the same time. you enter in what i tell ya. it's better than writing stuff down.
mom: real time. okay. gotta go upstairs and sign on. it will take a moment. sure you have time.
me: yeah, i'm not going anywhere anytime soon.
mom: okay. hold on.
me: great.

(a minute passes)

mom: okay. shoot!
me: the url is—
mom: the what?
me: url. ya know the www dot com part.
mom: oh yeah. go ahead.
me: at the top of the screen type in h t t p—
mom: h t p p—
me: no! howard tom tom peter.
mom: what?
me: h howard. t tom. t tom p peter.
mom: h t t p! okay
me: colon forward slash forward slash.
mom: colon forward slash forward slash. next.
me: alone on the range. all one word.
mom: what kind of name is that? sounds like something you would come up with.
me: ma just key it in. we can talk about names later.
mom: on the range. got it. next.
me: dot, you know, period. blog spot, all one word.
mom: slow down! period, blogclot—
me: blogspot! not clot! slot! one word.
mom: well how are you to know these things with crazy names like this.
me: just type it in.
mom: done. that's it?
me: no. dot com.
mom: well that i know. dot com. that must be it. but where's the www?
me: this doesn't need www. it's not a website. it's a blog.
mom: well that doesn't sound right.
me: yeah i know. so let's go over it one more time. h t t p—
mom: t t! i have h t p.
me: that's why i said tom tom.
mom: i never heard of such a thing. t t! okay let me fix it. okay that's it? and hit search. there!
me: search?
mom: yeah, that's what i always do to go to your blog. wait! it says, no match found.
me: first you need to type it all in the top box with the go button at the end. you don't want to do a search.
mom: it always worked before?
me: ma, just type it in please and hit go.
mom: how am i expected to know all this?
me: your not. just type it in.
mom: all right done. and click on go! oh it's doing something! uh oh! i have some sort of screen that says, oops this link appears to be broken. what does that mean? what did you do.
me: i didn't do anything. read me the address you put in.
mom: h t t p colon forward slash foward slash home on the range one word—
me: it's alone on the range. not home.
mom: well that doesn't make any sense.
me: it's a website for single people cooking for one person. it's brilliant.
mom: i thought it was a blog.
me: whatever. it doesn't matter. the name is clever.
mom: we'll see about that. might be too clever for your own good.
me: just correct it and try again. i'll hold.

(i heard the distinct sound of muttering as she entered the change, alone on the range? who would ever use that name? i'll talk to steve about that when i see him.

mom: okay. hit enter, and ... yes! there it is. looks pretty nice. great, let me take a look at some of his videos and i'll get back to you. thanks honey for the help. bye!

click. dial tone.
me: bye!

four minutes later.
my cell phone rings.
it's the ringtone i've reserved for the folks.
beethoven's da ... da ... da ... dah!

me: hi ma! well? how do you like it?
mom: something's wrong.
me: what?
mom: i clicked on the next blog to see the next blog page and i got this weird spanish screen with all these models in string bikinis. your dad is taking a look to see if he can fix it, but i think he is just looking at all the pictures. and some are very provocative. not sure your father is up to it.
me: well, next blog takes you a random google blog. not the next—
mom: hold on a second!

i hear mom yelling, bob are you all right! you're awfully quiet up there.

mom: i better go. your father might be dead for all i know.
me: look mom. just unplug the pc and i'll show you the site on easter. it'll be a lot better by then.
mom: i'm probably going to have to unplug your father first though. okay honey. that's a good idea. we'll take a look on easter. i gotta go. bye.

click. dial tone.
me: bye ma.

easter might just be my favorite holiday right this moment.


Pam said...

This is hysterical! My mom thinks anti-virus software is a waste of money. So her computer is totally unprotected. I've tried to convince her otherwise, but to no avail. It's frustrating, I tell ya'!

Robert Crane said...

wait till she gets the blue screen of death, that'll learn her good!

Pamela Beers. said...

Yipes! Is that what happens? The blue screen of death?

itsmecissy said...

Ooooo, the blue screen of death. Yup, I know exactly what that is. "unplug your father..." I can relate to that one.

Randy Johnson said...

This might not be relevant to all your highfalutin computer mumbo jumbo, but isn’t “da ... da ... da ... dah!” Beethoven? …as in Beethoven’s 5th Symphony? …or maybe that’s bum… bum… bum… BUM! I don’t know Bach from Scott Joplin, so I may be confused here. I tried looking it up online, but all I could find we’re models in string bikinis.

Robert Crane said...

what are you talkin about randy? i'd never say bach. it says beethoven clear as day. well as clear as day since two minutes ago.