"if it's good news, it must be someone else's"

Thursday, December 4, 2008

(from the files) 366. runnin’ interference for keaton once again

one week ago

i said, there have been five phone messages from these landscaper guys about some job you want them to do.
keaton said, yeah i know, don’t know what they’re talking about.
i asked, well they seem to think you want them to do some stuff.
keaton said, they’ll stop calling eventually.

fast forward to yesterday.

a knock at the door.
two smiling, surly guys are standing there.
i opened the door.
one guy said, hello, mr. wiggins?
i said, no, bob crane. how are ya doin’?
he said, oh, i’m sorry. does mrs. wiggins live here?
i said, ms. wiggins. yes, she does.

the second guy rolled his eyes and looked away as if he had just stumbled upon something insalubrious, except he’d never use that word to describe it in a million years.

i said, it’s a long story.

another disdainful roll of his eyes.

the first guy said, yeah well ms. wiggins called us a while back. we’re from god’s green earth landscapers. we happened to be in the neighborhood, saw the car in the driveway, and thought we ought to stop in and see what she wants us to do.
i said, oh yeah, you’ve been leaving messages.
he said, yeah, that’s us.
i said, yeah, funny thing. she’s been … um … flying back and forth to pensacola for the last few weeks. um … death in the family. so her priorities have kind of changed.
the first guy said, lord have mercy, i’m sorry to hear that. i understand. may i ask, was it a parent?
i said, no. um … it was her sister’s dog, a wonderful rhodesian ridgeback named collingsworth. they were close.
the second guy said, died of old age?
i said, no, not really. um … it was mauled to death by her mom’s … um … chihauhau at a family gathering. it’s caused a huge riff in the family. quite ugly honestly. so keaton has been busy trying to bring her mother and sister back together.

the first guy studied my face for a moment.

then he said, you know sir, you could just tell us you don’t want to have the work done.
i asked, your not buying it are ya?
he said, no sir, we’re not.
i asked, was it the chihauhau?
he nodded and said, should have gone with a pit bull.
then the second guy chimed in, or at least a jack russell. they’re mean little dogs. we tend to think of them as a god experiment gone bad.
i said, okay then, the truth is she’s heavily sedated and has been making crank calls to businesses with religious names.
first guy said, lord knows it’s not the first we’ve received.
the second guy said, amen brother, and won’t be the last.
i said, sorry about that. then, no hard feelings?
the first guy said, you take care mr. wiggins.
i said, mr. crane.
the second guy said, it’s all right, we’d probably refuse to do the work anyway, given the insalubrious relationship you have here and all.

i thought to myself, hmm … i sure called that wrong.
then i said, it wouldn’t be the first time. take care.
they parted with a “god bless you”, except i don’t think the second guy really meant it.

and once again i had successfully run interference for keaton and her crank calls to businesses with religious names.

3 comments:

Keaton's Mom said...

Boy, getting Keaton's sister and me involved with your wildebeast stories could get us all in trouble. I better not let sister see this post. She'll be after your butt...and what about my poor pup taking the rap for the demise of the sweet old rhodie? I have to say, that was a whopper!!!

bob said...

i had to tell the guys something and that was the first thing i thought of :-)

she'll understand (i think)

Gabriel - Gadfly Revolution said...

"it’s all right, we’d probably refuse to do the work anyway, given the insalubrious relationship you have here and all."

I love this bit.