Plumbing Is Not My Thing

I had just finished doing a lot of garden work and needed to water the newly planted herbs, tomatoes and lilac trees. So off I went to get the hose attached to the side of the house. I turned the thingamajig on and nothing came out of the hose. The spigot was not working. When I least expected it, I found myself thrown into the plumbing … twilight zone … Da Da Da … DAH!

So off I went to the basement to locate the pipe to see if it had been shut off for some reason, like for winter or something. Now the part of the basement I had to go to is not my favorite. It's dark, musty and behind the furnace where dead mice rot in traps. Many years ago I had a nasty encounter with a three foot, pale yellow snake of some sort not far from this area, which escaped behind the wall board, as I tried to round it up with my trusty grill tongs. I figure it's probably eight feet by now and very hungry. I never told my wife, so I'm taking a risk revealing it now, although I'm relying on the certainty she doesn't read this blog. We also had a yellowjacket nest just above the pipe and between the exterior wall and interior wallboard. There are still a few dead bee bodies strewn about.

Get the picture? It's not the sort of spot in which one can relax.

After sorting through dozen of pipes going up, down, across and sideways, I found the pipe leading outside to the spigot. It looked good to go. The interior valve was set to open. Next step was to trace it back to see if maybe it was turned off way back at the beginning where the water pump (we have well water) enters the house and sends the water through a series of treatments. We had just had a plumber install a new water pressure tank, so maybe he shut off a valve at the source and forgot to turn it back on.

Tracing the pipe was not easy. It never is. Whoever plumbed this house had a cruel sense of humor. I'll leave it at that. Using my flashlight I followed the pipe as it disappeared above the ceiling of the next room. No problem. I went into the room and began lifting ceiling tiles. Actually it was a big problem. The snake. Dead mice. Live mice. Every panel was a candidate to unleash unimaginable horror on my head. Every last one of them. So I nervously lifted one after the other, as the pipe snaked with a sudden left turn, and then a few more panels, when it snuck a sudden right turn towards the exterior of the house. I traced it until I ran out of ceiling and nerve. It just disappeared to a place that it had no business disappearing to. I do not know where it goes. Maybe to the neighbor's house. It's beyond me why this pipe is not working. I decided I would just have to live with it.

So I decided, fine, I'll just move the hose to the spigot at the front of the house. I returned back to the scene of the plumbing crime to unhook the hose. It wouldn't budge. I couldn't free it from the damn spigot. I got a hammer and tapped it. Nothing. I got a wrench to add leverage. Nothing. I poured liquid wrench on it, waited, and tapped with a hammer again. It just wouldn't budge. I figured, fine, I'll just go in the garage and find another hose to attach to the front spigot. I walked down to the garage, at this point a little heated. The dog wanted to play and I yelled at her, "Not now!" She whimpered, her head went down, and she walked away with her tail between her legs. I felt terrible. I made a mental note that Id have to make it up to her later.

I found no less than three different hoses and learned quickly why they were all in the garage. None of them were any good. They all had problems.

I just wanted to water the goddam crap I planted two hours ago!

Undeterred, I stomped up to the house, grabbed my car keys and wallet, told my wife I was going to buy a hose, begged her not to ask any questions, and promised I'd be back soon. I took off like a bat out of hell and got no more than two miles from the house when the freakin' Check Engine light went on.

And this is exactly why plumbing is not my thing. It's nothing but trouble. Understand?