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Thursday, January 12, 2017

Updated Monty Python Classic Witch Scene


Cast:
(C) Sir Clapper
(Obama) President Obama
(M) 'Witch' man

(P1,P2,P3) Press Agents one, two and three

Press: We have found a witch! (A witch! a witch!)
Burn him! Burn him!

Press Agent 1: We have found a witch, may we burn him?
(cheers)

Clapper: How do you known he is a witch?
P2: He looks like one!
C: Bring him forward
(advance)

Man: I'm not a witch! I'm not a witch!
C: ehh... but you are orange like one.
M: They colored me up like this!
All: naah no we didn't... no.
M: And this isn't my hair piece, it's a false one.
(C lifts up ferret skin)

C: Well?
P1: Well we did do the hair
C: The hair?
P1: ...And the baseball hat, but he is a witch!
(
all:  yeah, burn him burn him!)
C: Did you dress him up like this?
P1: No! (no no... no) Yes. (yes yeah) a bit (a bit bit a bit) But he has got a wart on his small hand!
(P3 points at wart)

C: What makes you think he is a witch?
P2: Well, he turned me into Newt!
C: Newt Gingrich?!
(P2 pause & look around)

P2: I got better.
(pause)

P3: Burn him anyway! (burn him burn him burn!)
(Obama walks in)

C: There are ways of telling whether he is a witch.
P1: Are there? Well then tell us! (tell us)
C: Tell me... what do you do with witches?
P3: Burn'em! Burn them up! (burn burn burn)
C: What do you burn apart from witches?
P1: More witches! (P2 nudge P1)
(pause)

P3: Dung!
C: So, why do witches burn?
(long pause)

P2: Cuz they're made of... dung?
C: Gooood.
(crowd congratulates P2)

C: So, how do we tell if he is made of dung?
P1: Build a hut out of him!
C: Ahh, but can you not also make huts out of stone?
P1: Oh yeah...
C: Does dung sink in water?
P1: Yes
P3: Yes!
P1: Let's throw him into the septic field! (yeah yeah ya!)
C: But what floats in water?
P1: Bread
P3: Apples
P2: Very small rocks
(V looks annoyed)

P1: Cider
P3: Grape gravy
P1: Cherries
P3: Mud
Obama: An orange Duck!
(all look and stare at king)

C: Exactly! So, logically...
P1 (thinking): If he weighs more than an orange duck... he's made of dung!
C: And therefore,
(pause & think)

P3: A witch! (P1: a witch)(P2: a witch)(all: a witch!)
C: We shall use my largest scales.
(V jumps down)
(walk over while cheering)
(push him into scale)

C: All right! Remove the stops!
(Scale topples over to man’s side)

All: An orange witch! Burn him! Burn him!!

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