Updated Monty Python Classic Witch Scene

Cast:
Sir Clapper
Lord Obama
Man/Warlock
Common Folk (CF1, CF2, CF3)

Common Folk: We have found a warlock!  
A warlock! A warlock!
Burn him! Burn him!
CF1: We have found a warlock, may we burn him?
(cheers)
Sir Clapper: How do you known he is a warlock?
CF2: He looks like one!
Sir Clapper: Bring him forward
(They advance the man by pushing him through a growing crowd)
Man: I'm not a warlock! I'm not a warlock!
Sir Clapper: ehh... but you are orange like one.
Man: They colored me up like this!
Common Folk: naah, no we didn't ... no!
Man: And this isn't my hair! They put a ferret on my head!
(Sir Clapper lifts up the ferret skin on top the man's head)
Sir Clapper (looking CF1): Well?
CF1: Well we did do the hair
Sir Clapper: The hair?
CF1: … And maybe some orange around the edges, but he is a warlock!
Common Folk:  Yeah, burn him! Burn him!)
Sir Clapper: Did you dress him up like this?
CF1: No! No! No! No! … Yes! Yes! Yes! A bit. A bit. A bit. A bit. But he's got a wart on his small hand!
(CF3 points at the wart.)
Sir Clapper: I see. But what has he done to make you think he is a warlock?
CF2: Well, he turned me into a Newt!
Sir Clapper: Into Newt Gingrich?!
(CF2 pauses & looks around)
CF2: Well, I got better.
(Pause)
CF3: Burn him anyway!
Common Folk: Burn him! Burn him! Burn!
(Lord Obama walks in)
Lord Obama: What brings so much commotion to my town square?
Sir Clapper: The Commoners think they have found a warlock. But I'm not so sure.
Lord Obama: You know there is a way of telling whether he is a warlock.
CF1: Are there? Well then tell us!
Common Folk: Yeah! Tell us!
Lord Obama: Tell me ... what do you do with warlocks?
CF2: Burn'em! Burn them up! 
Common Folk: Burn! Burn! Burn!
Lord Obama: What else do you burn?
CF1: More warlocks! 
(CF2 nudge CF1 shaking his head no.)
(pause)
CF3: Dung!
Lord Obama: So, why do warlocks burn?
(long pause)
CF2: Cuz they're made of ... dung?
Lord Obama: Gooood! Very good!
(crowd congratulates CF2)
Lord Obama: So, how do we tell if he is made of dung?
CF1: Build a hut out of him!
Lord Obama: Ahh, but can you not also make huts out of stone?
CF1: Oh yeah...
Lord Obama: Does dung sink in water?
CF1: Yes!
CF3: Yes!
CF1: Let's throw him into the moat!
Lord Obama: But what floats in the moat?
CF1: Bread!
CF3: Dead rabbits!
CF2: Very small rocks!
(Lord Obama is losing patience)
CF1: Hats made of wood!
CF3: Ice cream!
CF1: Cherries!
CF3: Lady Lustfield!
Lord Obama: An orange Duck!
(All look and stare at Lord Obama)
Lord Obama: So, logically...
CF1 (thinking): If he weighs more than an orange duck... he's made of dung!
Lord Obama: And therefore ...
(they pause & think)
CF3: A warlock! 
CF1: A warlock!
CF2: A warlock!
Crowd: A warlock!
Lord Obama: We shall use the largest scales.
(The crowd cheers as they follow Lord Obama who is walking over to a giant balance scale)
Lord Obama: Does anyone have an orange duck?
Old woman: Yes me lord! I has one right here!
Lord Obama: That's a fine looking orange duck.
Old woman: Why thank you me Lord.
Lord Obama: Now kindly place the duck on that plate over there.
(Old woman places her duck on the plate.)
Lord Obama: Now load the man onto the other plate.
(CF1, CF2 & CF3 load the man onto the other plate.)
Lord Obama: All right! Remove the stops!
(CF1 removes the stops that keep the plates in place.)
(Scale topples over to man’s side)
CROWD: An orange warlock! Burn him! Burn him!!