"if it's good news, it must be someone else's"

Saturday, August 22, 2009

955. no ordinary hot plate mat

i was rearranging the work out room in the basement in anticipation of fixing my treadmill later that day.
it was all part of that get-psyched build up to lug my out of shape blob with leg appendages onto the belt and get myself back in some sort of shape.
it's what i do.
anyway, we have shelves filled with unnecessary kitchen necessities that have gotten way out of control.
i wanted to rearrange them next to each other to maximize floor space for the complete exercise experience.
i'm good at that floor space maximizing stuff.
so i pulled one set of shelves a few inches away from the wall when i saw a clump near the floor and against the wall.
i figured a dead mouse of some sort.
but it was dark and i could not tell for sure.
so i retrieved a flashlight, dish rag and plastic bag from the kitchen upstairs and returned.
i flashed the light on the clump.

the flashlight, which was on its last battery legs, was not much help, but it was enough to get a better idea of what i was dealing with here.
"what the f&*k"

it was no mouse carcass i'd ever seen.
too big and it appeared to be weaved in a coil, like a thick hot plate mat.
probably that is what it was.
it had fallen and was wedged up against the wall.
silly me.
so i pulled the shelves out a bit more and reached around to pull it out.

it all happened so fast.
the moment i touched it, i knew.
and when the hot plate mat abruptly uncoiled, i screamed like a teen girl at a jonas brothers concert.

it was a hot plate mat made from a live snake!

i shot into live snake action.
i ran upstairs, grabbed the grill tongs, removed my damp underpants, and returned to the basement.
it was still there.
all curled up.
i grabbed the bag and approached with a steely hunter's stare and the tongs in a lobster's grip.
i dabbed at my sweaty brow.
at the count of fourty three, i grabbed hold of the serpent with my mighty grill tongs, only to discover that most of the snake was inside the wall.
it had to be three feet long!
it shook me off like a gnat and sucked it's hind quarters through a tiny gap between the carpet and the wall board.

and just like that, it was gone, left to lurk inside the walls.
to strike from any room, any time.
when i'm sleeping.

i told keaton.
she's already lined up a few realtors.
we haven't told alix.
probably won't until the last boxes are opened at the rental.

in the meantime, if this becomes my last post, you will know why.
don't send e-flowers.
instead, buy my blook post-humorously.

it's been real.
it's been virtual!

1 comment:

Pam said...

Snakes are cool. They eat mice. Since you have mice and are allergic to cats, the logical thing to do is keep the snake. End of problem.