my son is now ready for entry into the job market.
that means job interviews.
i thought, how can i help him?
and it occurred to me that i've probably been on both ends of the job interview process a few hundred times—more times successful than not, with only one glaring exception (i'm pretty sure i hired a serial killer once but that is a whole other story).
anyway i have asked it all, heard it all, answered it all, and seen it all.
and it is from this wealth of experience that i have culled the following eighteen "must do nots":
1. do not be late.
2. do not put your feet on the interviewer's desk if you have holes on the bottom of your shoes.
3. do not eat garlic or onions 24 hours prior.
4. do not have a visible, flapping, dried nostril booger, or a long protruding nose hair, or inch long chin whisker (especially females).
5. do not have a pocket of spittle or foam in the corner of your lips.
6. do not shake hands if your palm is cold, clammy and limp.
7. do not wear sneakers unless they are brand new and of michael jordan caliber.
8. do not wear a lapel pin unless it is of the american or mexican flag.
9. do not ask about hours, salary, vacation, overtime, pensions, weekends, insurance or anything else that will not be considered ... well ... job related.
10. do not forget to say “bottom line”, “at the end of the day”, "circle around", "reach out", and "touch base" at least five times every five minutes.
11. do not quote scripture or andrew dice clay.
12. do not forget to “push back” at least once on some discussion point (e.g., interviewer: “tell me about your last job.” interviewee: “i need to push back. you seem stupider than tar!”).
13. do not use words like “mammy”, “pappy”, and “gedder done” unless it’s for a job at the monster truck rally or for a country tv position.
14. do not reach for your pocket flask unless you are willing to share it with the interviewer (which i highly encourage you do to break the ice).
15. do not divulge what sex positions you like unless explicitly asked.
16. (related to rule 15) do not use the “c” word under any circumstances! ever! however, the “f”, “b” and “s” words are okay but only if encouraged by the interviewer.
17. do not fall asleep.
18. do not forget to leave when it’s over.
there you have it son.
most of it common sense, but you’d be surprised just how many people forget, especially spankin new college grads.
happy job hunting.
and you can thank me later son.