i was walking through a walmart parking lot the other day, when suddenly i was approached by street magician david blaine.
i was apprehensive, when the conversation began:
david: what's your name?
david: do you believe in extrasensory, mind-melding, psychic, transference scribing bob?
i thought for a moment.
me: i'm scared of clowns.
david: that's a different question bob. i'll take that as a yes. do you have or did you ever have a cat?
david: carve the cat's name in this tree that just so happens to be growing out of the pavement but don't let me see.
david: now carve the name of your cat's favorite family member.
me: let me think a second ... got it.
david: good. now, carve if the cat is dead or alive, bob.
david: now, i never met this cat, right?
david: so there is no way i would know what you carved in the tree. right bob?
david: tie my hands behind my back, with this rope and put this hood over my head.
david: nice and tight. i like it tight. what about you bob? do you like it tight?
me: it's okay i guess.
david: good. now, lead me around the tree.
me: all right.
david: untie my hands and take the hood off on the count of three. one. two. three!
david: let's see what you carved—buffy. mummy. dead. is that correct?
me: it's mommy, see that's not a "u". it's closed at the top there.
david: no that's a "u". it's mummy! isn't it?
me: but i don't know any mum—
david: of course you do! right, bob?
me: okay fine but stop lookin' at me like that.
david: like what bob?
me: like bela lagosi. ya know, "drink da blood" eyes.
david: it's with a "u", lugosi. you misspelled it in your mind.
me: okay, you're starting to freak me out now.
david: you are imagining things, bob.
i took a breath as david slowly pointed with his right leg.
david: now, see that cow over there in the handicapped parking space.
me: ya mean the one holding a sign up?
david: yeah, that one. what does the sign say?
me: buffy! mummy! dead! holy cow! you are one scary f*ck! now, you've done it!
david: wanna see me levitate?
me: no thank you! i gotta get back to the planet earth like yesterday!
and that was the end of the stop and chat, which by all measures went rather well i'd say, except of course, the "mommy" issue.