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Thursday, March 1, 2007

The Stars Reveal Why They Use HeadOn!

We’ve all heard it. We’ve all marveled. We’ve all shook our heads asking, “what the hell is that”. I’m talking about that great “Head On” commercial that has haunted cable TV for the past year. Well, if you are inquisitive and would like to know what it actually does, search no more. You’ve come to the right place for an answer.

As part of my community service sentence for pleading “no contest” to a fire truck tailgating incident—I admit I have a thing about fires—I had to write one article of import that enlightens the public on a pressing social issue. So, I chose to inform the public on the proper use of “Head On”. Can there be any question more burning? I don’t think so.

To get to the bottom of this, I thought I’d go to our favorite celebrities. They know everything, so it only follows that I should ask them first. Well, let me tell you, what I discovered is shocking and downright explosive.

Stars don’t know crap! How about them apples? You won’t read that in People Magazine. Yup, they are dumber than a goober in your hair, with one exception. More on that later.

I simply asked each of them, “What do you use ‘Head On’ for?” Here are their revealing answers. You be the judge.

Billy Joel (through his rather testy publicist) – “Mr. Joel used it to protect himself against serious bodily injuries resulting from ‘head on’ auto accidents. He was under the impression it rendered seat belts and air bags essentially obsolete. Unfortunately, I cannot offer anymore than that at this time as Mr. Joel is currently engaged in a nasty personal injury lawsuit against the manufacturer. Suffice it to say Mr. Joel no longer uses ‘Head On’.”

Don Imus (a phone interview) – “Um … Diedre … (inaudible) ... Imus Ranch … eyebrows growing … Wyatt … (cough, wheeze) … forehead hair removal… (oxygen tank noise) … greening and cleaning … (flat line sound) … (electric shock paddles) … click”

Mel Gibson – “It eliminates hangovers but unfortunately it has a rather troubling side effect to which I am highly susceptible. In some people, it releases Jew hating, anti-Semitic thoughts into the conscious lobe of the brain—hence, my untimely, little indiscretion. If I use it again, it will only be at Aryan Brotherhood, sleep-over, barbeques.”

Tom Cruise – “It actually is a very important part of the Scientology ritual known as the “Hubbard Head Meld”. Katie dabs a little “Head On” to my forehead. I dab a little on Katie’s. We close our eyes and touch dabs. It creates an opening through which our spirit energies mingle in joy and couch-jumping euphoria. I know. It sounds crazy doesn’t it? Look, think of it as a Vulcan mind meld, but for real.”

Paris Hilton – “It’s like the best thing for … can I say like ‘oral sex’? He applies it like to my forehead, and for sure I apply it to his—”
(I like hung-up on her. I like had heard enough!)

Donald Trump – “Well, it’s quite a fantastic story really. Of course, my gorgeous wife, Melania, who happens to be the most beautiful woman on the planet and who happened to produce the most important child on Earth, maybe since Jesus Christ, told me about “Head On” first. She said it helps to humble the ego and that I could use a little. To appease her, I applied a truckload. Didn’t work. I wasn’t surprised. She might be the prettiest thing but she also has the finest tiny-brain in the world. But here’s the best part, it does wonders for my hair. One swipe from front to back and I get that fantastic look, that look that has the nation buzzing. They stop me in the street. Everyone wants it. Is that fantastic or what? I’m pure gold.”

Joan Rivers – “It prevents aging darling. A little on the forehead, a little on the cheeks, a swatch on the chin and neck, and you don’t need surgery. Have you seen me lately? I look tighter than a clam’s ass. Thank you, ‘Head On’.”

Russell Crowe – “Yeah. Finally, something I can f*@kin’ throw at f*@kin’ paparazzi that comes with f*@kin’ instructions. F*@k Off!”

Oh, those wacky stars, they can’t help but make us smile.

Anyway, expecting to find some thread of commonality in their answers (Paris, you big nut, that means “like being the same; like different not”), I was surprised to hear such conflicting results. It begged the question, one of them must be right, but who?

To uncover the truth, I went directly to the manufacturer. At first, they gave me quite the run-around. Apparently, it is a well-guarded secret. Well, they underestimated this brain. It just required a little, good old American ingenuity and perseverance. Posing as an out-of-work, undocumented worker from the country of New Jersey, I got the inside scoop from Senior Shipping Clerk, Robby Bob Roberts, during my job interview with him.

It turns out that one of the stars did get it right but not any of those mentioned so far. Now rather than tell you what Rob Bob said, I’ll let the star, who got it right, tell you in her own words.

Anne Heche – “It blocks the gravitational pull of alien space ship abduction rays.”

Of course it does! And Anne, if anyone should have known that, it is you.

The next time the ad comes on, watch it closely. You’ll slap your forehead in Anne-Heche-is-God disbelief. She’s right by golly. Thank you Anne, and thank you Rob Bob for setting us straight!

To the other stars: the next time you’re near a UFO, you crazy kids, please don’t use the product.

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