holy vodafone!

oh baby!
my luck is changing!
apparently, i have been chosen to receive 850,000 smackers to celebrate the 150th anniversary of ... now fasten your seat belts ... to celebrate ... you're not going to believe this ... the 150th anniversary of ... holy cow ... vodafone.
yeah, i think they do telecommuting or something similar sounding.
anyway, tella-schmella, who cares!
how about them apples!

as for those naysayers among you who don't believe me, just feast your eyes on the rather stellar announcement i just received from the board of trustees:

VODAFONE COMPANY INC.
Grant/Donation 2011
Ref Num: (VNP 977)

Congratulations to you as we bring to your notice that Vodafone company has chosen you by the board of trustees as one of the final recipients of this year promotion cash Grant/Donation to celebrate the 150th anniversary celebration and your email address have emerged a Grant of {$850,000.00 USD} Eight hundred and fifty thousand United State Dollars.

wow!
and so professionally worded, i might add!
150 years old!
and they picked my email!
of all people!
i never win a thing!
no more mr. loser here!
i can't wait to make my claim.

but i have to do it really fast, because the crackerjack math guy or gal, who did the calculation, must have entered the wrong year the company started up or something because 2011 minus 150 is like 1861, which isn't anywhere near 1984, when the company was founded.
so i'm figuring the faster i pay for the bank transfer fee (just a measly $238.19), the sooner i can deposit their hot little check in my savings account.
the only thing left after someone over there eventually points out to the board of trustees that their little celebration is off by about 123 years, will be the empty cries and crocodile tears of vodafon's executive team, as they are left with only their multi-million dollar separation packages to wallow in.
talk about your premature miscalculation.

oh well, god what a great bob day!

oh i know.
"but bob what about cranelegs pond going forward?"
at this time i have no plans to end this madness.
i will continue to blog.
maybe not as frequently, but i'll continue just the same.
i'm not about to let $850,000 change me.
i'll be the same old bob, just more loosey-goosey.
might even use more salty language too, since i won't give a flying f%*k!.
don't know really.
we'll see how i do.
but hey, right now i got to get me a certified check out to someone named Sir Alaine Mundipunetty CFOH (sounds very high up in the organization) licketty split.

what is victoria's secret anyway?

i happened by a victoria's secret the other day and popped in to see what was going on.
i got the feeling my presence wasn't all that well received, but i always get that feeling, even at those welcome centers along state highways.
so i figured it was just me, not them, and snooped around some because that's what i do when i'm not writing or doing something else.

now, i don't know who this victoria is, but by the looks of her underwear, she must have a helluva secret, which was just the sort of thing that got all my curiosity juices all nuts.
but i'm here to tell ya, this is one secret women are keeping to themselves.
no one was talkin'.
especially the salesladies because i asked them about it at least a dozen different ways to no avail.
instead, they had mall security escort me out, as if i were trying to compromise some sort of national super double secret probation operation.

what could it be?
what is vicky hiding?
if i had to guess, i'd lean towards something involving unsavory, night-naughty intrigue.
but that's just me letting my imagination run crazy like.

andy has male mentalpause

andy said, women will continue to be objectified by a patriarchal system as long as their physical appearance is considered their primary asset and women continue to blindly self-exploit this male created myth and subsist the objectification by parading their bodies in a misguided attempt to play to this false source of feminine power.
benny said, i read about this.
andy said, read about what? i don't even know what i just said. it's weird but i've noticed that ever since i've turned fifty i get these flashes of deep women thoughts.
benny said, that's what i'm talking about. it's called male mentalpause. it's like hot flashes of wild feminist ideas.
andy said, exactly!
benny said, yeah, i read it in the latest issue of maxim magazine. you should get a prescription. ya know it's a lot more than just a bunch of hot pictures of hot television babes.
andy said, you mean i should get a subscription.
benny said, no! i mean a prescription because it's just what the doctor ordered my friend!
andy said, yeah, that kinda makes sense. what could be better medicine for woman thoughts than man stuff?
benny said, it's like the old sayin', a babe pic a day keeps the doctor away!
andy said, whew! you're tellin' me!

benny thought for a moment and then said, boy, it's good to know this mentalpause stuff doesn't last very long! personally, i dread the day.
andy said, yeah! it's brutal! just brutal! thanks for the help!
benny said, don't mention it. hey! what do ya say i drive ya down to borders right now and we fill that prescription!
andy said, not a bad idea. let's do it!

andy thought a little more and then said, hey, ya wanna call bob and see if he wants to join us?
benny said, nah, he's been like in permanent male mentalpause lately. he needs to come to grips with a few things first. no need to have him around while you're in this weakened state.
andy said, yeah, you're right. let's shake and do benster!

and off they drove into the sunset, just like thelma and louise, except totally the opposite.

my fathers day wish

i wish some of the good will i receive on fathers day would carry over at least a day or two before it's back to manstake punishment as usual.

(i wrote one year ago) kardashian karcrashian

i will forever be dumbfounded by the national fascination with family kardashian, featuring step-dad frankenjenner and those dizzy dames, proof positive that exorbitant child-support and inheritance need to be taxed heavily and in some cases, confiscated altogether, lest we end up with more self-indulged, privileged little brats scurrying about like empty-headed, scantily clad clowns, whose only contribution to culture and cause is just another pop-culture karcrashian contrived by E!, MTV and all the rest.

in all fairness, they probably don't think much about me either ("think" being the inoperative word).

outer body experience

keaton asked, have you ever had an outer body experience?
i said, yeah, every time i come out of the shower and see myself in the mirror. and to be honest the notion that that is what you see makes your declaration of love for me all the more suspect.
she said, well, that wasn't exactly what i was asking, but yeah, i follow your line of thought. hmm.

i said, well, don't follow me too hard because this is just another one of those times i'm not leading so great.

cranelegs pond & flying saucers

i added rss feeds to cranelegs pond many years ago.
i have a sneaky suspicion that these so called feeds have been secretly launching my blog posts into outer space.
why?
because i haven't spotted a ufo since this all began.

we don't follow, what's your take bob, you ask.

it stands to reason that some of the posts, probably the ones about nose hairs and farts and such, must have been intercepted by more intelligent life forms, who certainly would have found them proof enough to remove earth from their travelocity cool-places-to-visit list.

and now all we flying saucer buffs have are empty night skies and the sad promise of no encounters of any kind.
alas, i am my own worst enemy sometimes.

knowing dogs

as some of you know, i have had the pleasure of being the human to several dogs: a beagle (parker), a cairn terrier (comet) and currently a lab (annabel lee).
this past week or so i've been the lucky guardian of an additional lab, savannah.
now look, i'm not exactly the dog whisperer.
not by a long shot.
in fact, i'm more the dog wimperer because they usually have their way with me.
but i have observed enough to know that dogs are not political, religious or frivolous.
they are one thing.
trusting.
and i have to say, that's more than enough for me.

(i've had cats too, and one could extrapolate this simple truth, except by and large cats don't care)