the keys to travelling

the keys to travelling is remembering the safe place you put them in before taking off.
as usual i thought i had stowed away my keys in a place that i'd never forget, only to discover that i may have done just that.
there was a certain amount of rolling panic that felt quite familiar as i spent the better part of the morning in search of the little bastards.
they were nowhere to be found.
so i sounded the cell phone alarm to the other humans who live in this joint, making them aware of my manstake.
and wouldn't you know it, my pseudo step daughter alix found them in her purse of all places.
now that's a good hiding place because if you have ever looked in that leather junk drawer with straps, finding those keys would be akin to finding waldo in a wisconsin labor union protest.
but to my surprise it turned out i didn't hide them there.

no.

alix apparently plucked them from my regular hiding place (the key rack) so she could drive our beloved prius to take my son and her to my father's 80th birthday party yesterday, which we were suppose to go to originally (a story for a rainy day) but decided against because of the time our plane landed but somehow forgot to tell her that we would not have the limo guy drop us off there (after a 90 minute drive, only to say happy birthday and all pile into the prius for another 90 minute drive home) but instead would be going straight home, but she waited many hours for us to show up under the impression she had a more recent set of facts than those related to her by others, which really didn't make us the most popular adults in her life upon learning her source, who will remain nameless, was rather vague her text message in such a way that could lead one, even the likes of sarah palin, to conclude several scenarios, one being the new set of facts alix thought she had, which apparently when dashed created a little knot about alix's panties, which you can't blame her for really, but let me be the first to tell you when panties get knotted, some tend to forget things in all the emotion commotion, like putting my keys back in the place i had hid them—the location i would not forget—namely the key rack, which is a far more easy place to remember than let's say the old steamer chest tucked behind boxes, the tops of which are used as the public bathrooms by the flying squirrelendas (another story), in the far corner of the attic, where i checked this morning on the off chance that was my hiding place, among other sordid spots scattered about the house, garage and old collapsing chicken coop.

in short, alix and i agreed we are now even.

the point is it's nice to be home again and that my dad had a great birthday party.

yesterday's riddle answer

yesterday's riddle: riddle me this: where must i be from to be doing all this jogging around the earth.

answer (word scramble form, 1 word): mr heal

today's riddle and yesterday riddle answer

yesterday's riddle:
riddle me this: what might i see that would stop me in my tracks, lest the wheels come flying off my whole operation accidentally.
answer in word scramble (two words): glidreth

today's riddle
riddle me this: where must i be from to be doing all this jogging around the earth.

a bob day at the beach

i was at the beach the other day when a bottle washed up on the sand.
it had a note in it.
i read it on account of i can do that.
it said, "hey bub! where's the $23 you owe me?”
i couldn't believe it.
so i pulled my money and pen out of my speedo, put $17 in the bottle and wrote, "here, this is all i have. now quit bothering me."

it'll be a while before i go back to that beach.

where's bob now contest?

uh oh!
bob's on the move again.
just arrived safe in a cool part of the world and then moving on to a another cool joint.
can you figure out where?
no hints this time.
instead, you can ask questions until you get a no answer, like "i've got a secret".
you can guess anytime but if you guess wrong, you are done for that location.
however, you have two chances.
good luck.

and the prize: is a baseball autographed by me or a $15 itunes or $15 starbucks card.

book project update and then some

just a quick update on the book project.
in a word: holysmokes
got feedback from my crackerjack editor of the first eight chapters.
in a nother word: prettyprettypretty-prettygood
so i'm plowiing forward to finish a first draft.
but the pace is slow.
one reason is on account of i get a blank mind occasionally, which gave me reason to enter the following post into the book.
one of the pond posse should be delighted (hint).

anyway, here is the post from the past that might explain what it's like around here some writing days.

empty canvas

i just sat down to blog with absolutely nothing on my mind, a rather normal circumstance these days.
let's see what happens and i will report in real-time (a sort of inside look at bob's mental innards in motion).
oh baby, here goes:

need a title.
is that a nose hair on the keyboard?
touch it and see.
geez, it is.
wonder how long that's been there?
i'm falling apart for chrissakes.

need a title!
let's see.
"clean slate"
hmm ... better put some clothes on, this is even weird for me.
wait, that'll be my reward for finishing this.
did i pay citibank?
wonder how many visitors i got yesterday?
let’s check some stats.
looks like eight.
two from germany reading that dumb bondage post i did.
boy, they’re a repressed bunch those germans are.
hmmm, what have we here?
i think those penis enlargement supplements are actually working.
it does look bigger.
no one cares though.
it's not like keaton complains.
but she'll be surprised just the same in a few more months.
damn, coffee's cold.
wait.
it's not bigger.
it's just the angle and semi-confused state.
infomercial bastards.
that sure was a f**kin waste of $29.95.
what am i doing anyway?
oh yeah.


"clean slate"
that sounds dumb.
"clean slate"
sounds like something boss don would have said.
wonder where that fat lard is these days.
probably a cio or something.
turd head.
i need a better title.
let's see.


"empty canvas"
yeah type that up there.
v ... a ... s ...
is it two s'es?
how do you spell s'es?
run this through spell checker.
what do ya know, it's s's. not s'es.
i gotta get dressed.
this writing in the buff to help the creative juices isn't all it's cracked up to be.
"cracked" ... that's funny.
i'm pretty lucky that i like my own stuff.
maybe it's a curse.
hold on ... i'll be right back mister keyboard.


(a minute passes)


that's better.
i love this shirt.
"empty canvas"
i really should get a colonoscopy.
need to defrost the chicken.


"empty canvas"
this has been long enough.
probably the only person who would read this far is lightly.
wonder what that crazy canadian is gonna say.
probably something wiseguyish.
is that even a word?
i wonder if lightly has that canandian "heh" at the end of like every word known to mankind?
wonder how that accent happened?
it's like me with "yous" and "already" already.
weird how that happens.


"empty canvas"
sure is.
well i think that's enough of this.
they get the idea.

the end.

(now you know bob inside and frontwards.)

a bad memory is expensive

my son asked, dad can i have the $23 you owe me?
i said, i don't remember borrowing $23 from you.
he said, that's what makes this so difficult. i always have to remind you.
i asked, did i also forget how you earned the money that i borrowed from you in the first place.
he said, apparently.
i asked, so would you mind reminding me?
he said, i’d prefer not to because you’ll just forget again and it’s painful to witness.
then i said, yeah, you’re right, and i’ll probably forget i paid you back too.
then he said, don’t worry, i’ll remind you.

then i thought, hmm, i appear to be trapped in a memory ponzi scheme i'm incapable of stopping. dammit to hell man!

a cadillac thought

i don't get this.
i saw a tv ad for cadillac in which they proudly proclaim how they have overcome the problem drivers have with their windshield wipers when driving through rain at 190 mph.
so i thought, wow! they figured out when this occurs how to shut down the engine and electrocute the driver!
now that's some fantastic engineering!

but noooo ...

they did not reach for what we all might agree is my sensible, socially-responsible solution.
instead, they simply messed around with the blades, making it possible to drive faster than 190 mph in the rain with working wipers.
then i thought, other than possibly charlie sheen and apparently a few nut jobs at cadillac, who else would want to do that?
and is there a way to identify them, round them up and move them to the desert?

a bit of a coffin spell

okay, first, about nineteen years ago, i couldn't sleep on my stomach any longer, on account of my back would be tied in knots for the day.
lately, i have been unable to sleep on my side for very long without my arms falling asleep which i guess is the point of sleeping but not that tingling sleep.
it's only a matter of time before i'm only going to be able to sleep on my back.

and i know what's going on here!
i'm getting ready for my coffin.
that's what's goin' on.

and all i have to look forward to is coming back as a wildebeest.
is there no end to my pain?

gunpowder and beer

if you ever went through the effort of making beer, you know an awful lot has to happen to get it right.
i imagine gunpowder is the same story.
that leads me to wonder occasionally, who was the first guy who actually said, hey, give me a little grain, sugar and let’s see, some of that there yeast! i’ve got an idea!
or how about the fella who said, so ya take your mixture of charcoal and sulfur and add a little of your saltpeter and … bang!

but the more i think about it the more i think it didn't happened that way.
more likely beer and gunpowder were the direct outcome of a public challenge, a sputnik moment if you will, to invent a more fun way for guys to celebrate stuff.
and i guess when all was said and done, impaired motor skills, diminished smart thinking, and blowing up things where at the top of the "more man fun must include" list.

continuous conversation

at 4:45 the other morning, keaton said, i think our relationship is like one continuous conversation that gets interrupted occasionally for sleep, eating, work and hanky-panky.
i said, well i kinda agree on the the first three but i think when it comes to hanky-panky, it's the other way around.

then it dawned on me, frozen porkchops are another interruption.